Note:
Lady Bosses and Powerful Women, don’t be mad at me, I’m just fooling.
10:00 AM, a beautiful day, we are on our way to the Supermarket, “Oh Boy”.
I have a little “rain cloud” that hovers over my head from the time I get up until the time I go to bed, I am one of those people that little aggravating things happen to all day long. (I have a friend just like that, when he wakes up in the morning, he looks up at the ceiling and says, “well God, what are going to do to me today” “His Name Is Kelley”
Keeping this in mind, when I select a shopping cart I have to give it a “road test”, I run it around in a circle for a few moments, if I don’t, then I will surely get one that has a wheel that goes in the opposite direction than the other three, or I will have two wheels that won’t move at all.
After the road test, I have to check the area where my hands will be when I am pushing the cart, many times little kids will be sitting in the cart facing their mothers and all the slimey stuff that comes out of their noses and their mouths will be all over the handle, there will also be all kinds of crap from the candy and other garbage that the “Moms” give these squalling, screaming little monsters to shut them up. I fold that little basket thing up and don’t use it all, these kids also do “pee pee” in them, remember that, think about it the next time you shop, sometimes, “poo poo”.
Well I have my cart, I put my cane in it and head for the bakery to buy my doughnuts, I have my little bag and my piece of wax paper and am just reaching in to grab my doughnut when I hear it, “Oh God, Oh Jesus H Christ”, it’s getting louder, (I know what this sound means) “CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, CLICK a women’s high heel shoes, a 21st century Powerful Women is coming up fast, right behind me.
I have two bad legs, the worst one starts to tremble, a cold chill runs up my spine, I franticly snatch three doughnuts, crushing them and trying to get them into my bag before “Superwomen” reaches me. The little cloud is over my head, I know its there and I just know that this “Powerful Women”, this President Of General Motors Or Bank Of America is headed right for me, dear God don’t let this maniac want some doughnuts. I luck out, she flies by me, I look at her face, she is wild eyed and she has zeroed in on the Deli.
America has a whole new breed of women today, they are “BOSSES”, they wear “Pant Suits” they have “Horn Rim Glasses” and they no longer “Stroll” they “Run”, they are always in a hurry, they truly believe that they should always be at the front of the line, they are trained to be “in charge”, they ALWAYS have a Cell Phone stuck in their face.
Well for now I am out of harms way, I like to watch people, I think I will follow this “Female CEO” it should be interesting to watch her in action, I have nothing else to do.
She charges into the Deli and grabs a number and looks at it, there are three other people ahead of her, she checks them out and then she starts fidgeting and squirming around as though she has to go to the bathroom. Then her damn Cell Phone must of gone off, (I couldn’t hear it if it was right in my ear) she snatches it out of her pocket book and starts babbling, her mouth is going about ninety miles an hour and she is walking around in circles, (why do “bosses” walk around when they are talking on those damn things). One of the customer’s leave, the female boss jumps up to the counter, she knows damn right well it isn’t her turn, the clerk takes another customer, she gives the clerk a dirty look and keeps on cackling into her phone, I try to get close to hear what she is talking about but she hangs up.
The powerful women’s attention is now drawn to the clerk and his customer, this customer must be having a “cold cut party” at their house tonight, she is ordering 2lbs of everything in the store, maybe she owns a “Sub Shop”. Now “Miss Pant Suit” is going into the “stand and glare mode”, most women have a way of doing this so everybody within sight will know they are upset and that something has to be done, RIGHT NOW.
This is how a Powerful Women stands when she is irritated, “they cross their arms, then they stand with their right leg slightly bent, and their right foot is at a small outward angle”; they then stare at anyone and everyone within eyesight. This posture and this look means, “Danger, watch out for me, I don’t take shit from anybody, and I can do anything any damn Man can do”.
She finally gets her turn at the Deli, she shoves her ticket at the clerk and then starts, she orders a pound of ham, the clerk starts to slice, she stops him, she wants to taste it first, he gives her a piece, her gums start going, she swallows, then she says OK, he continues to slice, she stops him again, she wants to look at the thickness of the slice, he shows her, she says, “no, no make it a little thicker”, then she stops him again, he stops, she says, “no, that’s to thick, make it a little thinner”, now there are about four other women behind her with their arms folded and their right foot pointed out. She is finally done, she turns and stares at the other women with a look that says ”your all fired”.
Now she is in full gear again, “Click Clomp, Click Clomp” off she flies, God I hope she runs into my wife at the dairy section, when my wife buys milk she knows exactly what she wants but she will open the dairy door and just stand there, “she stares at milk”, my wife causes every cold storage motor in the store to go on, she opens the door, then stands, she goes into a trance, if the Powerful Women and my wife meet at the Milk Case it will be a sight to behold.
I’m getting all excited now, the hell with shopping, I know this 21st century “superwomen” is going to cause trouble and I want to be there when it happens.
She charges into the fish counter, two women are ahead of her, again she is delayed, she starts fidgeting, she gets her cart right up against the counter, between her and her cart she is taking up the space of four people, while waiting their turn some people like to look at the fish, they can’t do it with the “bitch boss” she and her cart are blocking all the fish from view, she also hangs onto her cart with her right hand, I wonder if she thinks someone is going to “steal” her cart and her boiled ham.
The “Powerful Women” tells the clerk she wants a large piece of Haddock, she points to one, he weighs it, she says, that’s fine, he starts to wrap it, she then screams at him, “wait, I want to smell that” (why didn’t she say that before he started to wrap it), he unwraps it and hands it to her, she holds it up and starts smelling it, she looks like a dog that is getting ready to urinate on a tree, she is holding the fish up to her face and sniffing it.
Trouble is now brewing in the fish department, the “Female Donald Trump” has decided she doesn’t want this piece of fish, she hands it back, she has had her face and hands all over it, the clerk knows all the other customers have been watching this women rub her nose all over the Haddock so he throws it on the back counter for cleaning. He mutters to himself, “bitch”. She now sniffs and snorts over several more pieces then finally selects one. The clerk then smiles and says, “would you like some ice on that” she replies” “no”, she grabs her fish and takes off, then BANG, she makes a U-Turn with her cart (something must of clicked in her cluttered little mind) she charges back into the fish counter, “Here” she screams, the fish man is waiting on another customer, the “Boss Women” cuts them right off and yells, “I think you better put some ice in this bag” she then glares at the other customers, she is saying to herself, “don’t you bastards know who I am”.
I can’t keep up with her, I’m old, my legs are no good, and I have to go to the bathroom. These “new breed” “Powerful Women” are always in a hurry, they run everywhere, their beady little eyes are darting from side to side, they cut you off with their carts, they stand right in the middle of the aisle while they read labels, they know you want to get by but they just ignore you. This one that I am following today has already smashed her cart into several people, you couldn’t insult her if you tried, she truly believes she is a “superior human being”, and she has the best Cell Phone money can buy to prove it.
Well she has been speeding up and down every aisle in the store, she has made several phone calls while she reads labels, and she has now started talking to herself. I’m getting sick of her, if she’s married I pity her poor husband, (I bet she sleeps with that damn phone).
She has very large breasts that bounce all over the place when she runs, her feet point out, she has “big teeth” like a ground hog, she reminds me of a Kennedy. The haircut is the best part of her though, her haircut makes her look just like “George Clooney”, “oh, oh”, there goes the phone again.
Checkout:
This is where all the action in a supermarket takes place, these “Boss Women” will stand in front of you for 45 minutes, blocking a whole aisle while they stare at a roll of toilet paper but when they get to the checkout they want every human being in the area to move immediately, they have to get out of this store just as fast as they can, they act as though the store was on fire. I stand back and watch.
First she cranes her stinking neck trying to see how much groceries the other people have, then she will pick out a “timid looking” person expecting them to say “oh Miss Boss, would you like to go before me”, finally she picks a line, then the phone rings, “blah, blah, blah,” click, the phone goes back in the purse, then she glares at the person behind her, she is thinking, “what the hell are you looking at”.
She is next, the person in front of her is almost finished putting her things on the belt, then it happens, the “Bitch Boss” forgot something. She grabs her pocket book, gives everybody a dirty look and then races back into the store, she leaves her cart right where it is but I don’t think she will get away with it this time.
Standing directly behind her is a women that looks like “King Kong”, she has two front teeth missing, part of her chest is showing and there is hair growing all over it almost up to her chin, she has a ring in her nose and the words “Shit Happens” are tattooed on the back of her neck, she’s wearing a Harley Davidson tee shirt that hasn’t been washed in two months.
It takes a couple of minutes for what has just happened to sink into “King Kong’s” little brain, then she realizes that the “Boss Women” is tying up the line and “King Kong” is next, the monster grabs “Cell Phone Sally’s” shopping cart and rams it out into the store, the cart slams into the Battery counter spilling battery’s all over the floor. CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, STOMP, STOMP, STOMP here she comes, she is running, her Cell phone is in her ear, and she is trying to scream, then she yells, “HEY THAT’S MY CART”, King Kong steps out into the store and bellows “SO WHAT BITCH, WHAT YOU GONNA DO, ASS HOLE, YOU THINK WE ALL GONNA WAIT ON YOU”
Oh Jesus, poor little “Miss Important” and her Cell Phone, she turned white, her lips quivered, the last thing I could see was a head that looked like George Clooney bobbing up and down as the President Of General Motors went racing out into the parking lot.
I bet she went to work the next day and Fired ten people.
Author: Red Burtt
