Red Burtts Place

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Location: Maine, United States

ATTENTION: Print some of my Blogs up for your children, tell them to take them to school and have their teacher read them aloud to the whole class. To read some of my longer stories click on “VIEW MY COMPLETE PROFILE” at the end of this message then under My Blogs Click On “Red Burtts Storys". Save it if you wish in your favorites, I may be writing about you someday. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ E-Mail Me At

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Dingobats Conspiracy Theory

9/11 was in the making for several years before it actually happened, according to Uncle Teddy Kennedy, Barney Frank, Barbara Boxer, Oliver Stoned, and Nancy Pelosi this is their true story of 9/11.

There are also a few other things that Oliver Stoned came across during the “Hunt” for the truth.

GW Bush, his Mother Barbara, Dick Cheney and Ann Coulter used to have secret meetings in the Barn at the Bush ranch in Crawford Texas during the nineties. Mohammad
Atta made several visits to the Ranch at this time and was chosen as the lead pilot in the attack.
Oliver Stoned is now planning a movie on these "secret right wing meetings". Michael Moore is being cast as "Barbara Bush".

Also, Oliver uncovered these never before known facts in our past history.
Rush Limbaugh's mother started WWII, not the Japs.
Bill O'Rielly’s Grandmother started WWI.
Fox News is hiding Adolph Hitler; he is now 103 years old and is on life support.

Dick Cheney planted TNT at the pentagon on 9/11, there was no plane.

Sean Hannity and Mel Gibson are secretly “Married”.

Author: Red Burtt

Sunday, May 29, 2005


The "Sh!thead" (Junkie/Drunk) Oliver Stone was arrested yesterday for (Drunk/Drug) posession at a Police Checkpoint.

The "Whack Job Conspiracy Nut" is blaming "Viet Nam" "Nixon" and "John Wayne" he said Nixon & Waynes ghosts put the drugs in his car and forced him to drink a quart of Gin. He also said Nixons dead dog was with them and bit him.

Author: Red Burtt

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Happy Memorial Day

Keep your Gravestone clean.

If you should be on Cape Cod this weekend and you take the kids for a ride, "Be Careful", Uncle Teddy is spending the Holiday at "The Compound".

Author: Red Burtt

Sunday, May 22, 2005

The Man That Is Always Right

Do any of you know someone who “knows everything”, their philosophy being “If I Like It You Should Too” “If I Say It Is So, Than It Is So” “If I Own A Red Car, All My Relatives And Friends Should Own Red Cars”.

“Luther is one of those people”.

Sunday Dinner At Know It All Luther’s House:
“Hi Charlie, Hi Agnes, come in, so glad you could come, dinner is almost ready”
“Hi Martha, yeah, I’m starving, where’s Luther”
“He’s out on the deck boiling the corn over the grill, have a beer”
“Hey, how ya doing Luther”
“Hi Charlie my man, old buddy”
“Hey Charlie, wait till you taste this corn, it’s fresh picked, only an hour ago”
“I’ll pass on the corn Luther, corn doesn’t agree with me. I’ve never cared for it”
“Naw, you’ll love this stuff Charlie, wait till you taste it. (this should have been the warning)

Sit Down Dinner Time At “Know it all Luther’s house”:
“Looks great”
“Hey Charlie, have an ear of corn”
“No thanks Luther, I told you, I don’t care for corn, it doesn’t agree with me”
“Aw go ahead Charlie, it’s the best corn you’ll ever eat”
“No thanks”, “Martha, could you pass the peas please”
“Charlie”, I said “this corn is great”
“Luther” “I don’t like corn, it makes me sick”
“CHARLIE”, Luther screams, “Eat some damn corn”
Charlie puts down his fork and says, “Luther, I told you, I don’t like corn”
Luther bounds out of his chair and bellows, “you son of a bitch, I said eat that damn corn or get out of my house”

Agnes, Charlie’s wife, jumps out of her chair and screams, “don’t you call my husband a son of a bitch you rotten smelly bastard” she then says, “I just had a piece of your corn and it sucks, it’s the worst corn I have ever tasted, in fact your whole rotten dinner stinks, your bread sticks taste like dried up dog shit”

“AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you slut whore bitch” screams Martha, Luther’s wife, “I’ll kill you” BAM, POW, KICK, BIFF, “OH JESUS”, “TAKE THAT YOU BASTARD”, Agnes Screams,“SHOVE YOUR CORN UP YOUR ASS BITCH”

WHHAAAAAAA, “Mommy, Mommy”, “your scaring my kids you whore” Luther’s wife bellows, “I’ll kill your rotten kids” screams Agnes, “I’ll make them eat your husbands shitty corn”.
GRRRR, ARF, ARF Luther’s dog had joined the fight, Charlie grabs a steak knife and plunges it into the dogs stomach and yells, “take that you dog bastard”

Charlie’s wife Agnes leaves the fight and throws Luther’s corn all over the floor, she then pulls up her skirt and urinates on Luther’s Corn, Charlie seeing this unzips his fly and is about to do the same when he trips on the dead dog and falls head first out of the living room window.

Across the street “Father O’Malley” is just headed for church when he sees Charlie come flying out of the second floor and smash onto the sidewalk, screams and cursing were coming from the open window, “Jesus Mary And Joseph” “Blessed Is The Fruit Of Thy Womb” the Father mutters.

Father O’Malley picks up his skirt and dashes over to the body lying on the sidewalk, “speak to me lad” the priest says, “gurgle, gurgle” the body says, Father O’Malley then looks up into the heavens, closes his eyes and yells as loudly as he can, “OH HEAVENLY FATHER JESUS H CHRIST ALMIGHTY, GIVE ME A SIGN” a dead dog comes out of the sky and lands right on the priests face.

Father O’Malley’s neighbors, a Black Family, Mr & Mrs Leroy Abraham Lincoln Jones have just finished breakfast when Leroy happens to look out the window on the scene below, he says to his wife Pearl, “hey Pearl, come on over here girl, look at these damn white mother f-ckers they rasin hell over there, ya know wat I’m sayin, that damn priest is going crazy, ya know wat I’m sayin, the damn fool’s jumping up and down and yelling at the sky, ya know wat I’m sayin, God just hit the white bastard in the face wit a dog, ya know wat Im sayin. Pearl didn’t answer, she was watching “Oprah Reruns”.

Charlie’s wife had completely lost it, she was running all over Luthers house with a cigarette lighter setting the curtains on fire, Luther was in the bedroom looking for his gun.

Down in the street Charlie was laying on the sidewalk, his arms and legs were twisted into weird positions, he looked like a “Squid”, Father O’Malley was also on the ground, his skirt was up around his waist and his black garters were clearly visible, they had little crosses embroided on them, he was screaming for God to help him, his face was stuck in the dead dogs stomach.

The Fire Dept arrived, the Police arrived, then in a short while things were cleaned up the Priest was taken to the “Veterinarians” the Fire Dept Medics couldn’t get the dogs body off his face.

Charlie’s wife, Luther and his wife were all led out in handcuffs, some old lady’s with “George Clooney Haircuts” from child welfare came and took the children, there was about three dozen ears of corn scattered all over the front yard and out in the street.

Leroy, the Black neighbor looked down on the corn and then said to his wife Pearl, “say girl” “we got any corn”, Pearl said, “no”
Leroy walked back to his chair and muttered, “white mother f-ckers”, they all crazy, ya know wat I’m sayin”

Author: Red Burtt

Friday, May 20, 2005

Breaking Story

Headline in a "Frisco Paper" (Kook City)


Author: Red Burtt

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Fonda Cucumbers Condoms

The batty liberal screwballs are at it again. America’s favorite Viet Nam War Hero (now a born again Christian) Jane Fonda has found a new “crusade”. Between her Hollywood comeback, her Face And Ass Lift Operations, Jane has found a new cause.

“Hanoi Hanna” now spends much of her time running all up and down the West Coast visiting public schools and handing out “free condoms” to little kids, (the little rascals think they are balloons) the kids started taking them out in the schoolyard, filling them with water, and then throwing them at each other. “Oh Boy”, water bombs. Some of the other kids were wearing them on their heads, others were blowing them up then sitting on them, a few blew them up then put them in the teachers desk drawer. One kid took his home, put it over his dog’s head and suffocated him. (to death) ha, ha.

Well it hasn’t taken the Liberal Kooky Dip Shits long to swing into action to fix this problem, they have started a program out there in the public schools that teach these kids the proper use of a “French Tickler”, "by God we know whats best for these kids and we'll show them how it's done. (God bless Jimmy Carter)

Left Coast Teachers are now being supplied with “Big Cucumbers” along with their electric pencil sharpeners.
Each morning Ms Jones, who is little Jimmy’s “social study’s” teacher hauls out her “big fat cucumber", then she holds up a nice new Lamb Skin Condom, (hot damn), all the kids are on the edge of their seats, “WOW” what’s Ms Jones going to do, YOWEEEE.

Ms Jones then proceeds to show the class of Eleven and Twelve year old students the proper way to “Don A Condom”, as Ms Jones unrolls the soft lamb skin protector down over the “Green Cucumber” she starts to breath heavily and a slight mist develops in her left eye ball, she try’s to speak to the class but all that comes out is a garbled gurgle, she then starts drooling, her lips and eye lids are twitching, she starts kicking her desk, some of the children start crying, Ms Jones now has the cucumber in one hand and is punching the blackboard with the other, the children have now panicked, some have ran screaming from the room others have urinated on the floor, several have fainted.

The commotion has attracted the attention of Mr Smith the “Diversity Teacher” next door, he enters Ms Jones classroom and is astonished at what he sees, Ms Jones is under her desk holding a Cucumber, she is moaning and shouting obscenity’s, children are calling for their mothers and up on the wall behind Ms Jones desk is a large portrait of Jane Fonda holding a Box Of Condoms, under the picture there is a sign that reads, “FREE CONDOMS, HAVE YOU GOT YOURS YET”

Outside, several ambulances and the local “Swat Team” have arrived. Ms Jones had a heart attack under her desk and died.

Several Days Later At Little Billy Baileys House 3:00 PM.
“Hi Mom, I’m home”
“Hi Billy, how was school today”
“It was Ok Mom”
“Hey Mom”
“Yes Billy”
“Mom, have we got any Cucumbers”??

Friday, May 06, 2005

~Poor Seals~

The "batty liberal Bush hating kooks" are at it again, they have let Bush off the hook this week, they are going after a bunch of Seals out on the west coast somewhere.

These "pasty faced granola eating bastards" have decided they don't want Seals to eat Salmon. (I wonder what God thinks about this).

Seals have been eating Salmon for 500 million years, now America's left wing liberals have decided they are going to put a stop to this, "by God".

These kind and caring "New Democrats", these "Al Gore save the spotted owl people" are stalking the poor Seals and shooting rubber bullets at them and playing very loud rock and roll music trying to scare the seals. "These people cry and vomit when they see photos of the Iraqi criminal with ladies underwear on his head".

Rubber bullets HURT, ask a Seal.

All these Seals are doing is trying to eat, and when they do they have a bunch of crazy demented Kook Liberal Morons shooting rubber bullets at them.

I would like to follow one of these Saps, then when they sit down on a park bench to look at a picture of John Fonda Kerry and have a "Soy Spinach Sandwich", I would then shoot a rubber bullet into their stomach.

Author: Red Burtt