Red Burtts Place

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Location: Maine, United States

ATTENTION: Print some of my Blogs up for your children, tell them to take them to school and have their teacher read them aloud to the whole class. To read some of my longer stories click on “VIEW MY COMPLETE PROFILE” at the end of this message then under My Blogs Click On “Red Burtts Storys". Save it if you wish in your favorites, I may be writing about you someday. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ E-Mail Me At

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Lobster Claws

Mary Tyler "Big Mouth" Moore, Again:

A few years back this "Looney Loopy Whacko" went all over the country whining about Lobsters being boiled, she said the hot water hurt their little feet.

She held a news conference one day, she was sobbing, and her 20 inch lips were quivering, her numerous "face lifts" were becoming undone, she wailed as loud as possible "SAVE THE LOBSTERS" then she held on to one of her fellow nitwits making believe she was going to faint.

The news conference ended, the group of people that were all wearing "Jimmy Carter" tee shirts all left.

One camera man and a reporter followed "Big Mouth" and her little group, "Oh MY God", they entered a big fancy "Steak House" in Beverly Hills, yes it was true, "The Lobster Savior" was going out to dinner.

This "PHONY Liberal DO-GOODER" that grieves for Lobsters that are Boiled was going to sit down to dinner and have a 2lb Sirloin Steak that was carved off some poor Cow that had been smashed in the head by a drunken “Steer Killer” with a sledge hammer and then had it's throat cut with a butcher knife, it desperately tried to say “Moo” as gurgled and died, dead.
Mary “Big Mouth” Moore ate him, medium rare with mushrooms.

(Listen closely the next time you Boil A Lobster, they scream when they are first submerged)

Happy New Year (are you having lobster)?
Author: Red Burtt

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Wal Mart Underwear

These things can't be made up.Todays News:
Somewhere "down there" (Florida) a naked man was running through the streets screaming that he was "Satan".
When the police finally arrested him they discovered that he had been wearing his sisters underwear, they were down around his ankles.

The mans mother was questioned at her home, the police noticed that the Mother was wearing "mens boxer shorts", police couldn't locate the mans father but neighbors said he seemed to be a nice person who kept to himself, they said he often mowed the lawn wearing his wifes Bra.
Author: Red Burtt

Friday, December 23, 2005

The Breast Stroke

This is an example of how “Dumbed Down” the American people have become, the new batty looney liberal leaders in America with the help of “TV Sit Coms” have created a generation of “Morons”

On another recent trip to a Motel in the Mid Coast area of Maine I happened to walk through the “Fitness Spa” of the Motel. There was a Hot Tub in there, it is about “Two Feet Deep”, directly over this tub is a large sign, printed on this sign in large three foot letters painted “Bright Red” are the words “NO DIVING”

My wife said, “why is that sign up there” I replied, “Al Gore is staying here tonight”.

Please read my Christmas Carol below, it is Racist, Filthy and Bloody, there are barbacued dogs, Opium Smokers, people with swords sticking out of their stomachs, scared Jews, and dead people under the Christmas Tree.
The kids will love it, read it to them on Christmas Eve when they put the cookies out for Santa.
Red Burtt
Merry CHRISTmas.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Poop Fumes & Looney Liberals

I like to "Bash" my old home town every so often, I still love it though (The Way It Was) 1930/1970, my time.

Cambridge Massachusetts (The Peoples Republic)

The Cambridge Kooks, The Saviours Of The World, The "Condom People", the Looney Leaders in City Hall are pleading with the equally "Whacko Citizens" to walk or ride their bikes to "Save The Planet" exhaust emission is driving them all insane, Cambridge Residents are fast becoming "Morons" because of "Carbon Monoxide".
Oh Dear God.

What will these Butterfly Chasing liberal Brain Surgeons do when the "Bad Gas" floats in from Somerville, Brighton, Boston, Arlington, Canada and Iraq.

What happen's when the "Bowel Movement Fumes" float down Mass Ave from some Bubonic Plague Infested "WINO" that has just taken a Crap under the Weeks Bridge on the Banks Of The Charles?

Friday, December 09, 2005

How May I Help You (Re-run)

I am to busy to dream up crap to write so I am "Reposting" a "Wal-Mart Story" I actually ran into this women that the story is about in a super market, she was even screaming and hacking and spitting in there, if this women is married imagine what that man has to go through. Read on, you'll see.

By the way, speaking of Wal-Mart, these "Vermin" are not saying "Merry CHRISTmas this year, they are saying happy holidays, if you have to enter one of these wretched stores and one of those blue vested morons tells you to have a Happy Holiday tell them to "Go Have Sex With Themselves"

Monday, January 31, 2005
How May I Help You:
“HEY, YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE, HAW, HAW, HAW, HA, HA, HA, GAG, ARRRGHH, COUGH, WHEEZE, SPLUTTER”If you should ever have the misfortune to visit the Wal Mart in North Conway NH those will be the last words you will hear ringing in your ears, screamed at you by a “Blue Vested Women” as you leave the store. If you are smart you will look straight ahead and ignore her remarks about “the weather”. Under no circumstances talk or even look at this horrible women that told you to “have a good one”.The awful old bitch that bellowed this out as you were about to walk out the door has been stationed at the exit to supposedly give you the feeling that Wal Mart is saying goodbye to you and thanking you for shopping in their stinking store. The real reason she is there is to try and see if you have stolen anything, (she would like nothing better than to find something wrong with your purchase) then she could show her “Weasel Boss” what a great job she was doing, why she may even be named “Associate Of The Month”, she really believes she is an “FBI AGENT”. If you are crazy enough to stop and talk to this women she will constantly be “SCANNING” your order with her little sneaky beady eyes while she tells you about the rain that is headed our way, then she will cough on you.This “Wal Mart Brown Nosing Stool Pigeon” is a short dumpy women in her late Sixties or early Seventies, she wears slacks that have been tailored at home, the pants have been cut short to fit her dwarf like legs, she wears the “Blue Vest” and on the back of the vest printed in large white letters are the words “HOW MAY I HELP YOU”. She likes to show off by jumping around and grabbing shopping carts and putting them away, when she does this she makes sure that she looks all around to see who is watching her then she smiles and screams “DID YOU FIND EVERYTHING OK, HA, HA, HA, COUGH, WHEEZE, DRIP”she then gives them a look that says “Wal Mart Needs Me”.This women screams when she talks and she has a raspy voice, the kind that some smokers or whiskey drinkers develop, she also coughs a lot. I would personally like to walk up behind her and smash the back of her neck in with my cane.On a recent trip to this wretched store, (I only go into a Wal Mart when it is absolutely necessary) I had to sit on a bench in front of the Exit waiting for my wife who couldn’t bring herself to leave until she had touched every item in the building. While shopping with my wife I have actually seen her read the label on a “Tire Pump”, if I should ask her, “do you need a Tire Pump” she will just look at me with a “glazed look” in her eyes, then she moves on. So on this day I decided to sit and wait.I like to sit around and do nothing, so today I decided to sit around and do nothing on a bench that is located right in front of the Exit at the Conway Wal Mart, I also decided to watch this women perform her duty’s as a professional “Pain In The Ass” while I sat around and did nothing.When I am away from home I like to watch people as I sit around doing nothing. Before my wife walked away she asked, “what are you going to do while you are sitting around doing nothing” I replied, “nothing”, she looked at me for a moment, then vanished.The first time I heard “the animal scream” I came close to falling right off the bench, I had glanced away for a moment to look at a thirty five year old women’s legs when it happened, first it started with a slight growling noise, then came a raspy cough, then the bomb, “HEY, YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE, HA, HA, HA, HAW, HAW, GULP, WHEEZE, SNORT, COUGH, GAG”. Jesus Jumping H Christ Almighty, everybody in the store turns and looks at her, she bellows this out at every human being that is leaving the store. She scares the shit out of some of them.Don’t feel sorry for some of these “OLD” people that work for Wal Mart, some of them are retired Dentists, Doctors, Airline Pilots, and Bus Drivers. They all have the same story when you ask them why they work there, “oh I have to keep busy” “oh I’ll never stop working” “oh what would I do” “oh I’m 96 years old, people tell me I only look 70” “oh I’ll never retire” the most often heard is, “oh, if I stop working I’ll die”. Ass Holes.Retire means Retire, no more work, you have worked all your life, you have spent forty some odd years getting out of bed and “working”, waiting for the “week end” waiting for the “vacation”, now you have the “BIG VACATION” you can lay in bed, you can watch TV at ten in the morning, you can go fishing, you can sit out in your yard and drink beer, you can think about the guys you used to work with, they are working, you don’t have to, you can sit on your porch and pat your puppy.No, don’t pity some of these Idiots that work in Wal Mart with their little blue vests on that say, “How May I Help You”, they can probably buy and sell you. My way of looking at these fools that have to rush right out and get another job the day they retire is, “They Are Taking That Job Away From Somebody That Really Needs It”If I HAD to work in Wal Mart and I was working beside a “Retired Dentist” I would punch his teeth out.For Gods sake, when you retire, “Retire”.Back To The Foghorn:Well I sat for 35 minutes listening to that women scream, cough, hack, wheeze and spit. Finally my dear wife was here, now I had a good Idea, my wife knew nothing of this Screaming Banshee, I positioned myself so that my wife would have to walk right by this women, as we got closer, I edged closer to my wife forcing her to get within about two feet of the “Bellowing Bitch”, I made sure she saw us, I looked the other way, then she zeroed in on my poor wife, she waited until my wife was right beside her and then she let loose, “COUGH, HEY, YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE, COUGH HA, HA, HA, HO, HO, HO, DID YOU FIND EVERYTHING, COUGH, GURGLE, SNOTS, SPLUTTER AARRGGGHHH”My wife jumped fifteen feet in the air, she turned white, outside she said to me, “did you hear that women” I replied, “what women”.A short while later on the drive home we were both silent for about twenty minutes, I then turned to my wife and said, “How May I Help You”, she looked out the window and muttered, “stupid idiot”.Author: Red Burtt.