Red Burtts Place

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Location: Maine, United States

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Tuesday, July 03, 2007

My Mirror

The Mirror:
Something is happening to me, I stopped drinking, my friends are all dead, my wife has a much lower IQ than I do (she watches The View) I can’t hold an intelligent conversation with her, when I do converse with her as soon as my superior intellect begins to surface she starts yelling at me like they do on the View so I spend a lot of time sitting out in the yard looking around, my problem is I don't have anyone to talk to, then one day it happened.

I have a Humming bird feeder that I sit and watch while I am contemplating “Darwin’s Theory On Evolution” sometimes I take my shoes off and look at my feet but now things are going to be different, this Humming Bird feeder has changed my life, I feel whole again.

Several days ago a Humming Bird had just finished consuming my secret formula and he came over to my face and hovered, he then went from side to side each time hovering like a little helicopter, I said to myself “what the hell is he doing” myself replied “I don’t know” then it dawned on me, he was looking into my eye glasses, he saw his reflection in my $500 “transition” eyeglasses and he thought there was another Humming Bird inside my face, he made a few pecks at my glasses relieved himself on my pants and buzzed away, then I thought of something, Jesus H Christ.

I like to talk, “so what” you ask, well the problem is, who the hell am I going to talk to, well that’s when I thought of something, I thought about the Humming Bird looking at himself in my glasses, I crawled into the house on my crutch and said to my wife “lets go” she said “where” I said “to the supermarket” she said “why” this is what she does to me, I couldn’t let her start a fight with me now I didn’t have time to fight, I had to buy something, she gave me a dirty look and then she put her sneakers on.

Off we went, we live on an Island, when we drive off the Island I never speak to her and she never speaks to me until we cross the bridge onto the mainland, we never ever talk until we’re off the island, there is something about the Island Road that aggravates us and causes us to fight and yell, she has called me some terrible filthy names on that road.

At the Supermarket I went directly to the “Hair Foot And Tooth Aisle” I purchased a Hand Mirror.

A miracle happened, God sent that little humming bird to my face, the bird looked into my eyeglasses and an Idea was born, I no longer have to just think to myself, I no longer have to sit and wish one of my dead friends were here for me to talk to, no, now I have “My Mirror” I talk to “My Mirror”, I laugh to My Mirror, I yell at My Mirror, I call My Mirror filthy four letter words, I watch Fox News in the morning then I clean my mirror and take it out into the yard and talk politics, to my mirror.

Yesterday I became very excited while talking to my mirror about Uncle Teddy Kennedy and the Illegal Aliens and I started shouting, my wife looked out the window and saw me holding my mirror up and swearing at it, I was sitting in a wheelchair at the time, she opened the window and called me every filthy name she had ever learned when she was a child living in Greasy Village, I didn’t care, I yelled back and told her that Rosie O’Donnell was a disgusting slobbering vermin pig cow, she slammed the window down, I grinned at my mirror.

I felt pretty good this morning, I just saw a picture on Fox News of the Muslim Terrorist over in Scotland who screwed up his suicide mission and set himself on fire, he looked like a roasted chicken.

I live on a dirt road, some of the summer people walk, ride their bikes and jog on this road, one of the women that jogs past here daily in the summertime is a tall skinny blonde maybe in her mid thirties, I would say she is a professional jogger because when she jogs her tongue hangs out, her face is all contorted as though she was constipated, you can hear her gasping for air when she is a quarter mile away but the big give away to the fact that this women is addicted to jogging is her overall appearance, she looks just like she escaped from one of Hitler’s concentration camps her legs look like little strands of wire.

9:00 AM, I am sitting out in my yard all alone with my mirror, I have just finished watching the news and I am discussing the Muslim that set himself on fire with my mirror, I am starting to get worked up, I told my mirror a few days ago that these Muslims were going to start acting up, I started yelling, then I started cursing, I screamed at my mirror that those filthy terrorists should have their rotten stomachs opened up and their bowels removed and fed to their donkeys, just then out of the corner of my eye I spotted Ms Constipation Face the jogger, she was not ten feet away from me, she was terrified when she saw me screaming at my mirror and yelling four letter words about disemboweling a Muslim, she broke into a run, I could hear her crying and panting then she disappeared up the road.

This all took place about two weeks ago, I haven’t seen this women since that day, if she should jog by anytime soon I plan on asking her if she would like a glass of wine, I’d like to get a real close look at her, people like her interest me.

I have noticed lately that some of the cars that drive by here during the day slow down now and look at my yard.

If you don't have anybody to talk to you will go crazy.

Red Burtt