Red Burtts Place

My Photo
Location: Maine, United States

ATTENTION: Print some of my Blogs up for your children, tell them to take them to school and have their teacher read them aloud to the whole class. To read some of my longer stories click on “VIEW MY COMPLETE PROFILE” at the end of this message then under My Blogs Click On “Red Burtts Storys". Save it if you wish in your favorites, I may be writing about you someday. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ E-Mail Me At

Friday, December 31, 2004

A Fact

Gods last name is "Spencer"

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Have You Ever?

Have you ever eaten "Barbecued Bob Cat Bowels"

Have you ever gone "Blueberry Picking" with a women that has no teeth?

Instead of going to a "Strip Club", have you ever bought a case of beer and sat around with 15 guys that all smelled like "sheep shit" and watched a farmer "Breed His Cow" with a "10,000 lb Bull"?

Wearing nothing but a yellow and red Jock Strap, have you ever jumped out of a tree onto the back of a "Cow Moose" in heat and stabbed it to death with your hunting knife?

Have you ever watched Rain "go up"?

I live in Maine.
Author: Red Burtt

Blame Bush, He Did It.

Several days ago the President of the United States, GW Bush, the Vice President, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld at 2:00 AM, all went up onto the roof of the White House.

They had with them, a small Charcoal Grille, the Presidents Dog and the Presidents Mountain Bike.

A small fire was lit in the Grille, the Mountain Bike was leaning up against a Chimney, the Dog was tied to the Bike.

The three men sat down on the roof and started to Rattle some Chicken Bones and the Vice President was rolling a pair of Dice. The Dog was howling, the President had his eyes closed.

Twenty minutes later a Huge Earthquake erupted in the Indian Ocean, the resulting Tidal Wave killed more than 50,000 people.

The blame for that Catastrophe lies right at the feet of GW Bush.

"You don't believe me"??
Ask Dan Rather or "Tub Of Shit" Michael Moore, they'll tell you.
Author: Red Burtt

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot

Once A Year Drunks That Throw up---"Take A Cab"

Week End Drunks---"Take A Cab"

People That Are Drunk All Year--"Stay Home, Your A Pain In The Ass"

Author: Red Burtt

Monday, December 20, 2004

Cute Perky Liberal Democrat Katie

CBS has mentioned Liberal Democrat "Cute Perky Katie Curic" to replace "Rodent Face" Liberal Democrat Dan Rather when he leaves in disgrace.

"Cute Perky Katie" is a left wing liberal New Democrat.
This means, if you want the whole story, you will still have to go to Cable or Talk Radio. "Cute Perky Katie" will be just like "Rat Face Rather" she will only tell you what the Democrats want you to hear.

I can't stand looking at Cute Perky Katie's "Gums" at 6:30 AM.

I don't want to look at Cute Perky Katie's "Gums" at 6:30 PM.

Katie caved in to the "Anti Christs" she won't say "Merry Christmas" on the air or in public. I wonder what her kids think of that ????

Cutie Katie says "Happy Holiday", Red Burtt says "Labor Day is a holiday, Christmas is Christmas you left wing politically correct liberal bastards"

Please CBS, Cute Perky Katie belongs right where she is, out on the sidewalk making hamburgers with all the DORKS from Indiana and their little signs that say "We Love You Katie" and "Hi Mom, I'm in New York"
Author: Red Burtt

Friday, December 17, 2004

Checkout At The Supermarket (With Me)

Since my retirement I now accompany my wife on the “food shopping trips”. I find many, many things in a Supermarket that drives me nuts, this is one of them, “women that think they are the only people in the store”.

My story begins with me happily skipping behind my wife while she reads labels and touches every item on every shelf in the store, she has to pick everything up and look at it.
This is the time of year that the stores all sell those colored burning logs for your fireplace, my wife will pick one of these up and fondle it, then she will read every word that is printed on it, she will then put it back and move on, her next item to examine will be a box of “Band Aids”, (we have plenty of band aids at home, and we don’t have a fireplace).

This story though is about the checkout line; at some later date I will post a Blog on the behavior of the “Rude, Ignorant, Maniac, Female Food Shopper” and how my wife can vanish before my very eyes while shopping.

So, after my wife has completed a full inventory of the entire store we are now at the checkout. I am the only MALE in the line. The women in front of me is putting her things on the counter, I have no room to start mine so I stand, I have nothing to do so I stare at the tabloid pictures of “Politically Correct America’s Virgin Mary”, OPRAH WINFREY (Oprah Lovers All Voted For Kerry).

I have a friend in Florida, his name is Kelley, he once said this to me, he said “my wife is like a goddamn Gook, she is always behind me” “Liberal Democrats, please excuse the word Gook”, but that is what he said.
Well at a checkout line my wife is just like that, she gets behind me and won’t move, I quietly whisper to her, “go around to the front of the line and wait for me” she just looks the other way.

Now the shit starts, the women behind my wife is craning her skinny wrinkled neck trying to see what the women in front of me is doing, this Idiot in front of me is lining up all of her crap as though it was going to be inspected by the CIA. Finally she gets all her stuff on the belt and she moves up about a foot, I then move up about a foot, then my wife moves up about a foot then “chicken neck” behind my wife moves up about a foot.

I now place my things on the belt, I place a marker rod behind my order, then I again whisper to my wife “why don’t you go around where the bagger is”, I tell her if she moves there will be “more room in the line”, she stares into space but finally gets it, now she has to squeeze by me and the other cashier, why in the name of God does she get behind me in the first place.

Now, trouble begins, this rotten women behind me starts acting up, she has crammed her whole order onto the belt, she has pushed some of my things in with hers, I grab them and put them back, then she starts giving the women in front of me dirty looks, she thinks if she fidgets and bobs her bastard head around it will make the whole world move faster. These women will spend two hours reading the label on a can of soup then they are all on the verge of a mental breakdown trying to get out of the store.

I’m in a tough spot now, I am sandwiched in between what I call “bitch shoppers”, the one in front of me is just as bad as the one behind me, to make things worse, I now have to Urinate.

The one behind me is slowly tapping my back with her cart; she seems to be trying to push me out of her world. I ignore her, it is the one in front that is really becoming a problem, she is trying to give the cashier some coupons that are five years old, the cashier finally gets her to understand that her damn coupons expired four years ago, so what does this idiot do, she gives the cashier a dirty look, then she gives me a dirty look, then the women behind me gives her a dirty look, then the cashier gives the women’s groceries a dirty look, I look at my wife, my wife is staring into space. I really have to Urinate bad now.

This women in front of me knows that sometime before she leaves the store she is going to have to pay for this order, but she is going to hang on to her money just as long as she can, she waits, the cashier enters the total into the register, this women waits, the cashier tells her the amount she owes, she still waits, then she looks at the register, finally, she opens this “suitcase” that is her pocket book (she could have done all this while her order was being totaled) now she starts rummaging through all her accumulated useless shit that she carry’s around looking for her rotten wallet, now she has her wallet, I glance at it, there is a picture of Hillary Clinton in her wallet, she hangs on to this wallet for dear life, she now says to the cashier, how much was that, the amount is on the computer screen staring her in the face, the cashier has told her verbally twice and this moron asks again.

Now the other one behind me is going crazy, she is sighing and moaning, she is shaking and scratching herself and ramming her cart into my back, maybe she has to Urinate too.

Well the “bitch shopper” in front of me has her bill, $38.65, now if my bill was totaled at $38.65 I would grab two twenty dollar bills and hand them to the cashier, grab my change and get out of there. Not this nut, she starts dolling out bills, a ten, another ten, then a five, then she digs and mumbles and starts shelling out dollar bills, one, then two, then she digs some more and comes up with three more. Now she still owes sixty five cents, Jesus Christ, she puts the wallet away and hauls out a little “change purse”, then she starts counting nickels dimes and pennies, oh God will this animal ever be done, I am wetting my pants, I can feel it. Now she has her receipt in her hand, she should be done right, no way, she stays put, her order is bagged and in her cart everybody, the cashier, myself, the bagger and the wild eyed bitch behind me are all looking at her and waiting, she now opens that damn pocket book of hers, gets out her silly little change purse again and very slowly and neatly puts her receipt in the purse with all her pennies, she then looks at her picture of Hillary and slowly closes her pocket book.
Then, at last, this aggravating “thing” is leaving; a cold chill runs up the back of my neck, what if I should meet her in the parking lot.

Now it’s my turn, my leg is wet and my eyes are watering, I check my order, everything looks good, I have my Debit card in my hand all ready, soon I will be in the men’s room, then it happens, the cashier says “do you know how much this costs” oh shit, Organic Frozen Peas, my wife will always manage to put something in the cart that doesn’t have a price on it.
Well more trouble, the cashier gives the peas to the bagger, then he is supposed to go to the “Organic Dept” and get a price, fine, but I see more trouble, this bagger is about 114 years old, he looks like he just came back to life and climbed out of his coffin, he disappears into the store, “oh god both legs are getting wet”, now the order is all tallied up, the cashier bagged everything and put it in my cart, no sign of the old man, now we all stand there staring at each other, we have our arms folded, the cashier, the skinny neck skunk behind me and my wife, we wait.

After what seems like three hours my wife says, “I think I see him”, sure enough, way down near the bakery we can all see this old man shuffling along with his little red apron on and store badges pinned all over the front, one of the badges has his picture on it and it says “Bagger Of The Month”, I say to the cashier, “I hope he doesn’t have a stroke before he gets back to the register”, she doesn’t dare say anything. The monster behind me is really on the verge of a “Stroke”, she may not have to urinate. She may have “Diarrhea” god I hope so.

The “old bagger” is here, his mouth is open all the time and he drools, he looks all around to make sure he is at the right register, then guess what the senile old bastard does, he hands my wife’s Organic Peas to the “Cave Women” behind me, Jesus, Jesus Christ, she slams them down on the counter and screams at him, “THOSE AREN’T MINE”, the old baggers lips start quivering and he begins to stutter, “Sa, sa, sa, sa, sorry”.

Now I pay my bill, thank you Jesus, I grab my cane and hobble for the Men’s Room, I need a shower.

On my way out of the store I have to pass the same register, and dear God, something has happened that makes me so happy I start rubbing myself all over, “THE CASH REGISTER BROKE DOWN”, I said to my wife, “I ain’t going nowhere, I have to watch this”, the bitch that was behind me is TRAPPED, “hot damn” “wow”. She is fuming, the old baggers whole body is trembling, the store manager is fiddling with the computer and then it happens, the “Barracuda” that was behind me finally lost it, she threw her pocket book over her shoulder and screamed “F-ck this store”, she then ran for the door and disappeared, the old bagger was hanging onto a shopping cart, I was laughing my ass off, the cashier was smiling when the manager couldn’t see her and my wife was reading the bulletin board about a “Violin Concert” in Montreal Canada.

We were about five miles away from the store when an Ambulance with lights flashing went by us in the other direction, I said to my dear wife, “I bet that old bagger dropped dead”.
Author: Red Burtt

CHRISTmas, Not What It Used To Be

Have you heard Nat King Cole sing "Silent Night" in Wal Mart, have you heard Cute Perky Katie or anybody else on NBC-CBS-ABC or any of the other Politically Correct Liberal Left Wing Bastards in the media or the entertainment world say "Merry CHRISTmas".

CHRISTmas as we knew it is on the way out.
I suggest, for your little chidrens sake, "buy a tree, decorate it, play carols in your home, say Merry CHRISTmas to each other, teach your children about the meaning of CHRISTmas. (Keep your shades drawn at all times in the event an Arab may be walking by your house, we wouldn't want them to see your tree)

Go to Church on CHRISTmas Eve, I would suggest entering the church through a side door so as not to upset any stray Muslim or Athiest that may be walking by.

On your way home from Church if you should meet a Liberal "New Democrat" and they say to you, "HI, Happy Holiday" just smile and say, "F--K You".

The New America:
Christians---Very, Very Bad
Author: Red Burtt

Friday, December 10, 2004

If It's Bad, They Caused It.

Democrats in congress, the DNC and Uncle Teddy Kennedy all said this morning that BUSH/CHENEY were both to blame for another Crazy SUV going beserk in Lewiston Maine.

The out of control, insane SUV attacked an elederly couple who were on their way home from a "Senior Citizens Wife Swapping Party" at their local church.

This SUV jumped the curb and viciously ran into the couple fracturing both the womens legs and crushing her husbands skull after smashing him into a brick wall.

Police, Fire and Maine Game Wardens responded, the Game Wardens shot and killed the Republican SUV but not before it emmitted a large quantity of Toxic Fumes into the atmosphere.

Uncle Teddy and Robert Kennedy Jr were visibly shaken, holding back tears, Uncle Teddy said, "we have to do something about these SUV's"

It was reported that back at the White House, Bush and Cheney were laughing their ass off.
Author: Red Burtt

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Birthday Party

Imagine having a birthday party for somone but your not supposed to say his name (thats liberalism for you)

Happy Birthday Jesus Christ, Happy birthday, to you.

Put your Xmas tree in the celler this year so the Arabs can't see it when they walk by your house.

Use portable CD players and listen to your Xmas Carols with earphones so the Arabs can't hear them when they walk by your house.

If your rubbish man is an Arab, put all your used Xmas wrappings in a black bag and secure it so the rubbish man can't see them. Arabs don't like those little pictures of Santa.

And keep in mind at all times and teach your children that we don't want to offend any of our Immigrant friends, (legal or illegal)

Merry CHRISTmas.
"Jesus Christ" "Jesus Christ" "Jesus Christ" "Praise Jesus" "Yo Jesus" "Jesus You Da Man" "Jesus For President In 08" "Hot Damn Jesus" "Jesus Is Cool"

Jesus Loves Me Yes I Know
For The Bible Tells me so.
Author: Red Burtt

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

The War Has Started, Poor Jesus H. Christ

Well, the rotten Maggot Infested ACLU and the Pus Dripping Hollywood Liberals have declared war on Christmas again.

All across America, in schools, town halls, in parades, and Dept Stores the scum shit bastards are trying to kill Santa Claus and do away with the word "CHRISTMAS".
"Silent Night" cannot be sung in many schools, the name "JESUS" is not to be mentioned, yet this holiday, is his birthday.

When they start to do away with Santa and Christmas in this country, we should have one of the biggest RIOTS America has ever seen. Burn your house to the ground. Steal TV's, tip cars over, "SAVE JESUS, SAVE SANTA".

I thank God that during the Seventies I left the Democratic Party, that is when they started to turn, the Far Left MTV Shit Bag Liberal Ass Holes took them over. The Old Time Working Mans Patriotic Democrat is dead, gone.

Every one of the people that are trying to Destroy Christmas, Santa and Jesus voted for Kerry. That is a fact.

The Democrats, "they left me, I didn't leave them"

"MERRY CHRISTMAS" (Shove that happy holiday shit)
Author: Red Burtt

Monday, December 06, 2004

Boo Hoo, "It's Not Fair"

I have to get away from this political crap but I can't resist it.

Thousands of sore losing, unbeleiving New Democrats have been getting therapy (poor babys) all over the country, more so in California and Florida. Just when they thought they were starting to cope up comes this new terrible right wing conspiracy disaster, "Oh Sissy Jimmy Carter" "please help us", don't let this be true, oh dear Bill and sweet Hill, can you make them stop.
Can you guess what is driving the nutty sore losing Dingobats back to the "shrink couch". The reason is the "Dirty Republican Monsters" are making fun of their mental anguish, the Neo Cons are laughing at them and they said their depression is getting worse, they say it is cruel. The Neo Cons are actually gleeful that the Dingobats need counseling because their man LOST.

When "Billy Blue Dress" won, twice, the Neo Cons got up, went to work and made the best of it, you win some you loose some, thats life. Not so with the Nasty Babies:
Isn't it nice to know that these liberal, slobbering, tantrum throwing, sore losing Democrats that need "counseling because they lost" won't be trying to protect America. Can you just imagine these "babbling idiots" trying to run a war.
Waaaaaaaahhhhhh, "I want my mommy"
Author: Red Burtt.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Miss Rocksoff, May I Go To The Bathroom?

We have a "sex case" getting warmed up down in Florida, Diarrhea Face, Scott Peterson will soon be off to the "Showers At Folsom" so these Smut Reporters and TV Lawyers have to have something "Hot And New", they lucked out.

Down in Florida there is a Female school teacher that is now accused of sexual molestation. This women is accused of having sex with a Fourteen year old boy, she "taught him" in the school, in her home and in her SUV. This women is no old hag, she is a good looking women.




2+2=4, thats all I ever got.
Author: Red Burtt