Red Burtts Place

My Photo
Location: Maine, United States

ATTENTION: Print some of my Blogs up for your children, tell them to take them to school and have their teacher read them aloud to the whole class. To read some of my longer stories click on “VIEW MY COMPLETE PROFILE” at the end of this message then under My Blogs Click On “Red Burtts Storys". Save it if you wish in your favorites, I may be writing about you someday. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ E-Mail Me At

Wednesday, July 27, 2005


My wife won’t eat my Lettuce, I won’t eat my wife’s Lettuce, our Lettuce gets old because we each have our own Lettuce and there is to much Lettuce in the house for us both to eat because she won’t eat my Lettuce and I won’t eat her Lettuce.

I don’t like my wife’s Lettuce and my wife doesn’t like my Lettuce, when we buy our Lettuce there is always an overabundance of Lettuce for one person, therefore some of our Lettuce spoils and we have to buy more Lettuce, she won’t eat my Lettuce and I can’t stand her Lettuce, I hate her Lettuce, I would rather drown than eat her Lettuce.
Much of our Lettuce gets thrown in the garbage.

My Lettuce is delicious crispy “Iceberg Lettuce”
My Wife’s Lettuce is “Romaine Crap Lettuce”

When our dead cat was alive, it wouldn’t eat my wife’s Lettuce (Romaine).
When our dead dog was alive, it wouldn’t eat my wife’s Lettuce (Romaine).

When we dine out though, my wife will eat my Lettuce (Iceberg) in her salad (Hypocrite)
When we dine out should they serve “Crap Romaine” (Her Lettuce) I refuse to touch it.

Lettuce, Turnip and Pea.

Author: Red Burtt

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Garbage Bags

Why in the name of God do we need these horrible bags that IDIOTS all over the world lug around on their backs.
What the hell do they carry around all day, what ever happened to the “wallet” or the “purse”?

Now, this very moment, in this day and age Religious screwballs are blowing people up all over the world, the savage dogs have the perfect means of delivery for their murderous deed, “The Stupid Backpack”.

When some moron is sound asleep standing up, hanging onto the strap on the subway train with one of these trash bins hanging off their shoulders and a police officer wakes them up and asks, “what’s in the Backpack” and the fool replies “I don’t know”, they are telling the truth, “they don’t know” this pathetic dimwit is hauling this bag around everyday of their life and they haven’t looked in it for six months, they forget what’s in it but By God they know they have to carry it around, everybody else does.

When the Police Officer leaves, the Dope says to himself, “gee, I think I’ll clean out my backpack tonight and put some new stuff in it”.

Since time began human beings on this planet have survived without “Backpacks” how did they ever do it, what do people carry in them that our ancestors had to leave at home?

Dirty Underwear, Clean Underwear, A Radio, A TV Set, A Blanket, A Gas Mask, A Dog, A Cat, Bread, A Dead Dog, A Picture Of Monica Lewinsky, or maybe, just maybe “A BOMB”

Backpacks should be banned throughout the world, they are evil. The next generation (if there is a next generation) will be a world full of Hunchbacks.

“Slurp, mush, wheeze, gasp, slop”
“Oh my god, I love you Roland, slurpy, spit, lap”
“I love you too Lois”
“Oh Roland, please use a Condom”
“I will my sweet”
“I have to open the trunk my darling”
“Oh why my lover”
“I’m getting a Condom, they’re in my Backpack”

Day At The Zoo:
“Yes Dear”
“Look at that man, he doesn’t have a backpack on”
“Don’t look at him dear, he must be a Lunatic”
Author: Red Burtt

Wednesday, July 20, 2005


No matter how good God is to you a wife will allways find something to complain about and screw everything up. "Wouldn't you say"?

Author: Red Burtt

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Good Morning Doctor

On august 16th at 10:30 AM I have an appointment at "Home Depot" to have a Colonoscopy.
Author: Red Burtt

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Hurry Up, I Have To Go

One of lifes most difficult times for me occurs maybe twice a month, this ungodly torturous suffering causes me to pound my closed fists on the dashboard, I wet my pants, I curse profusly, my legs twitch, I see little yellow lines flashing across my 79 year old eyeballs, I put my head out of my car window and I scream up to the heavens, "OH GOD, WHY ME, FOR CHRISTS SAKE, WHY"?.

Some day, the cause of my death will be attributed to the fact that twice or maybe three times a month I am forced to sit in my car looking out of the the windshield watching in horror as my wife trys withdraw money from an "ATM" machine. ATM machines have been around for years now, "Morons Use Them Dailey".

Well, I had to "Edit" this post, my wife happened to read it and she thought I was calling her a "Moron", thats not what I said and she knows it. I can't understand how she saw it, she never looks at my Computer, she thinks it is another TV Set and she has always thought I was watching dirty movies on it.

Author: Red Burtt

Friday, July 01, 2005

"HELP" I Fell Down And Can't Get Up

Old Folks, Pay Heed:

Ah yes, Gram & Gramp, what to do with them, that is the question.

Old people are a pain in the ass, you don’t think so, ask young people that have them living with them.

The Eskimos had a solution to the “Old People Problem”, on a bitter cold night they would load them onto a sled, they would pull them out onto the Tundra for about five miles, the temperature would be 40 degrees below zero, they would remove Gram and Gramp’s Seal Skin Parka, rub noses, say goodbye and leave them, they would be dead in fifteen minutes, no expensive casket, no burial fee, no gravestone, no flowers, no phony relative kneeling and slobbering at the wake, there was no wake.
“The Polar Bears Ate Them”.

In the Eskimo culture there was no arguing among the young over whose turn it was to do their laundry, no arguing over whose turn it was to change the bed clothes, no arguing over whose turn it was to make chicken soup, no arguing over how much of the old bastards money should be spent for their oatmeal. Young Eskimos never had to worry about Old Eskimos; they didn’t have any “Old Eskimos”.

Family Squabbles In Our Culture The Year 2005:
“It’s your turn” “no it’s not” “why doesn’t he do that, why do I have to do it” “call them up and tell them to come and empty his bedpan, I did it yesterday” “they left the stove on again” “I want a divorce” “oh shit”, “they let the cat out”.

When you watch reruns of “The Waltons”, remember, you are watching Pure Polyunsaturated “CRAP”, you are watching a Hollywood “FAIRY TAIL”.

When you watch a movie about a young couple with two children, a little dog, Grammy and Grampy living with them in a back bedroom with Grammy baking cookies and Grampy sitting beside the fireplace in his little woolen coat sweater, remember, you are watching “Fantasy”, mushy, slobbering, phony movie Disneyland Junk.

In reality “in the real world” when one of the younger folks see Grammy baking cookies or walk past Gramp reading the paper in his little woolen sweater, they are saying to themselves, “Jesus, I wish we could take them out in the snow somewhere and dump them off”, or they might think, “why the hell don’t Mary or Joey take them, they have been here for two years now, why should I do it”. Ah yes, a walk in the woods at 2:00 AM in February would do it (20 below zero).

Go to a nursing home, you will feel better, you will retain some of your dignity, you won’t feel guilty if you break something, when you hear people muttering among themselves you won’t have to think they are talking about you, use your retirement money, take nothing from your family, you then won’t feel “obligated” and they won’t be squabbling among themselves about who should be doing what. They have their own lives to live.

Life support, “haw haw haw”, that’s when the real fun starts, remember the “Schiavo’s”, “world war three”.
If this should happen to you and you can still spell “cat” then you are in big trouble. You will be laying in a bed somewhere with tubes sticking out of every orifice in your body, all you can do is roll your old eye balls around, you can also “drool and urinate in the bed”, you can see, hear and think, but they don’t give a shit about that, all they see is a “pain in the ass” that they have to visit before they go to the beach.


Promises To The Aged:
NEVER LISTEN TO PROMISES MADE TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE YOUNGER, NEVER. When it comes time for the shit to hit the fan those promises are long forgotten. (That was then, this is now)

Stand on your own two feet, then they can’t whine about taking care of you. If you have money, spend it or give it to whom you wish while you are still alive. If it is gone before you die they won’t have anything to fight over after your dead. Get rid of your money and all other valuables while you are still sane. If you want your family to have your wealth, give it to them while you are still alive, just keep enough for yourself to live comfortably, you can then enjoy watching them blow it. You won’t need it anyway, what will you do with it, buy a case of diapers.

If you have “six dollars” in the bank, right? If you have “six children”, right? If you bequeath each child one dollar, that will be an inheritance that is equally divided, right?
Well, as sure as God made little green apples; those six people will find something to fight about after the “Will Is Read”.

If you have One Child, leave this one everything, then, sooner or later this one offspring will stand by your grave and say “You had more than that, I know you did, what the hell did you do with it”.

Human Beings are strange animals.

Line up a “Nursing Home” while you are still able.
I would rather give my money to a Nursing Home than to sit cuddled up in a corner in the spare room with my old wife listening to people argue over who should go to the drug store and pick up our pills.
Your family can visit you every other Sunday, they will have peace of mind in knowing that when they get home “WE” won’t be there to leave the water running, plug up the toilet or Crap in our pants and stink the house up.

Old Geezers On Life Support Please Note:
As you lay in bed with your tubes and daydream of “life long ago” as you close your eyes and pray to the “heavenly father” to call you home “NOW”, and when you hear the “kids” out in the kitchen whining about who’s turn it is to wipe your ass, a little tear will come to your eye, because you love them and you know, yes you know, that some day, they may be in the same boat, they will be the one lying there praying for God to “lead them down the tunnel”.

“Hey old fella, it’s freezing out, wanna go for a ride in the snow on my sled”?

Dr Kavorkian will go down in the future history books as one of America’s greatest pioneers.

When the roll is called up yonder, I’ll be there.

Author: Red Burtt