Red Burtts Place

My Photo
Location: Maine, United States

ATTENTION: Print some of my Blogs up for your children, tell them to take them to school and have their teacher read them aloud to the whole class. To read some of my longer stories click on “VIEW MY COMPLETE PROFILE” at the end of this message then under My Blogs Click On “Red Burtts Storys". Save it if you wish in your favorites, I may be writing about you someday. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ E-Mail Me At

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Off To The Other Side

Republished Story:
City Of Cambridge Grave Digger
Over There --->

When the time comes for an elderly person to close their eyes and travel into the next world, in all likelihood if they have reached the age of 80 or beyond, they will have a very small funeral, there will be no lines waiting to view the remains, there will be no Police Escort to the final resting place. There will be, maybe two or three floral arrangements at the casket, the body may lie in state for several hours without a visitor to kneel and privately “check out” the suit that the deceased is wearing.

Growing up in the city of Cambridge in a working class neighborhood during the thirties and forties I have been to many “Wakes”, it has been said that at times some of the friends of an “Expired Elderly Male Person” who have come to “view the remains” will, if no one else is present at the time, try to “peek” down into the casket to see if the body has any pants on. It was always believed back then that the Undertakers used to steal the pants, to sell or for one of their relatives to wear. On your next visit to a funeral parlor to view the remains of a dearly departed male friend, do the following, as your kneeling, slowly turn your head to see if anyone else is watching you, then bend your head in towards the deceased folded hands and look down to your right, try to see if the body is “wearing pants”, if not, report your findings to one of the deceased's relatives.
Remember this on your next visit to a funeral parlor, think of my words while you are kneeling, (don’t laugh).

The trip to the cemetery for the burial of an elderly person usually consists of the hearse and One Family Limo. As the cars pass through the streets some folks will notice the Hearse and the Limo and remark “Jesus, what a small funeral”. At the burial site, there will be a minister or a priest and maybe five people, it will be very quiet, a prayer will be said, and sometimes it rains. Hiding behind a large monument about 100 feet away are two men with shovels, they are waiting, they are talking and giggling about two of the female mourners that are wearing “Mini Skirts” at the gravesite. These two men will fill the grave with dirt after the bereaved leave. One of the “shovelers” says, "Jesus, that poor guy didn’t have very many friends; there are only five people there", the other shoveler says, “yea, maybe he had B-O” then they both go into hysterics.“

Another Rumor”, many years ago I attended the funeral of a dearly departed friend, another friend from my crowd drove the car I was riding in, he was a strange person, very suspicious of everything. As we were leaving after the services had ended, he slowed his car and circled up behind the gravesite of our “dead friend”, he told me to look for a pickup truck or a van that might be parked close by, he then parked the car and we waited, after about fifteen minutes or so the two “shovelers” emerged and began throwing dirt into the grave. I then said to my friend, what the hell are we doing sitting here, he replied, “sometimes the grave diggers dump the body in the hole than throw the ten thousand dollar casket into a van, they can steal a coffin in five minutes” he said, “they can then sell it to a funeral parlor for five thousand and the funeral parlor will resell it for eight thousand” I always considered this friend of mine a bit unstable, but he had me thinking about this one.I haven’t had the opportunity to attend another funeral with him though and I never will, “He Died” shortly thereafter, I am happy to say, he is buried in his casket. Myself plus two more of our friends hid behind a large Angel Monument and waited for over forty-five minutes to make sure he was properly put to rest in the Coffin that his family had purchased. (He would have wanted it that way).
When I die I have instructed my wife to get behind a tree and watch my burial site for about a half hour after they lower me down. I also told her to check the perimeter for any suspicious Vans or Pick Up Trucks.

The biggest reason an elderly person doesn’t have a large funeral is that old people outlive everyone and anyone they ever knew.

Part Two:
When I visit a cemetery I will usually talk to some of the Gravestones, when I attend a wake I will always try to say a few hushed words to the deceased. The best time to do this is at the “2 to 4” viewing, in the afternoon, it is less crowded. Have you ever talked to a Cadaver as you pay your last respects, many people do, it is also said that some funeral homes have a little hidden microphone and they record visitors remarks to the deceased, they then take them home and play them at their next “Morticians Cookout”. Here are a few remarks recorded by a Mortician who came from our neighborhood, we used to sit in the backroom of his funeral parlor with a case of beer and listen to these.

These are some of the things the mourners said to the dead body of a Fifty Two Year old married man who choked to death while jogging.

“Oh dear God, say it isn’t so”

“What the hell did you do with your keys”?

“Oh Mary Mother Of Jesus, you look just like your sleeping”

“They should have closed your coffin, you look like shit”

“Why didn’t the bastards put your glasses on you”

“That’s not how you combed your hair”

“Oh God, we’re all going to miss you so much”

“Nobody will miss you, you rotten son of a bitch”

“I’m so sorry darling, forgive me, I thought you were having an affair”

“I hope your wife doesn’t find out you were sleeping with me”

“We found your Blow Up Rubber Women”

“So long idiot”

“Thanks, you dirty son of a bitch”

“I’m moving in with your wife next month, we’re going to Yellowstone in the new Motor Home you just bought, I hope your shirts will fit me”

“Go to hell”

"Rot In Hell"

“Mom told me you weren’t my real father, did you know that”?

“Shove your money up your ass”

“You hit the lottery this morning, the guy that’s been running around with your wife found the ticket under your bed when he was putting his shoes on”

“You Bastard”

"Ha Ha Ha I knew you'd die before me you idiot"

The Greatest Mystery In Life Is Death.
Author: Red Burtt

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Oh Dear God Help Us

Our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come.

Oh dear God, please deliver us from "this thing".

Now it will start, the "screaming" the "shrieking" the Pant Suits, the "fangs" hanging out, the whole world will be laughing at us.

We will now have to spend a year and a half watching "Billy Blue Dress" gaze adoringly at this wretched women while biting his lip and bobbing his head, he may even start holding hands with her again and start carrying his little bible.

Please help us Jesus.