Red Burtts Place

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Location: Maine, United States

ATTENTION: Print some of my Blogs up for your children, tell them to take them to school and have their teacher read them aloud to the whole class. To read some of my longer stories click on “VIEW MY COMPLETE PROFILE” at the end of this message then under My Blogs Click On “Red Burtts Storys". Save it if you wish in your favorites, I may be writing about you someday. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ E-Mail Me At

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Barnyard Hens

I just thought of this:
I am peacefully sitting at my computer, every so often I raise my head and look out of my livingroom window to watch the waves crash against the rocks across the street from my home (Cape Elizabeth Maine) suddenly my wife enters the room, she turns on the television.

At 11:00 AM each day there is a "silly womens program" that comes on, there are four or five screaming female banshees that spend a whole hour yelling at each other, this program is called "The View".

I have tried to listen to it and try to understand why anyone in their right mind would tune in to such senseless shit, (I'm not surprised that my wife does) these women all belong in a zoo, Ba Ba Walters is one of them.

They all try to talk at once, they scream, they spit, they yell, and they all try their best to drown each other out, they sound like a 100 alleycats sitting on a fence in the middle of the night yowling at the moon.

One day when this ungodly "scream fest" ended I quietly asked my wife, "did you enjoy your show this morning dear" she replied "yes", I then very nonchalantly asked her, "what was it about darling" she looked at me with a blank stare and said, "I don't know".
Cackling, Clucking, Barnyard Chickens.
Author: Red Burtt
Merry CHRISTmas.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Frequent Flyers

My arms are killing me; I just flew in from Detroit.

The holidays are here, the “Plane Riders” are all going nuts, the first blog on this subject was about a women that got drunk and decided to “step outside” for a smoke, she was 40,000 feet up in the air.

Now today, I read about another one of these “dip shit plane riders”.

It seems this man had to relieve himself, he too also wanted to have a smoke, he stood up in the aisle lit a cigarette then he opened his fly, pulled out his faucet, and pissed all over the women sitting in front of him, she screamed, he laughed at her, a big wrestling match followed, flight attendants had urine all over their pretty little uniforms, the plane had to return to the airport where the FBI was called and the man was put in custody. The flight attendants and the women with “urine stains” all changed their clothes then “off they flew” into the wild blue yonder.

Sometime before Xmas, sometime, somewhere high above the earth on a flight to paradise people will be napping or watching “Honey I Shrunk The Kids” on their little TV’s, the clouds will be rolling by, then suddenly some drunken moron will pull down his/her pants and have a “bowel movement” in the lap of the sleeping frequent flyer sitting beside them.

“Honey, what’s that smell”
“I don’t know, I’ll go check”

“What was it”
“Some guy up in first class just shit in his bosses lap”

Please Fasten Your Seat Belts.
Author: Red Burtt

Monday, November 21, 2005

No Smoking

I don't know why I do it but I read the Brisbane Australian newspaper.

Yesterday a drunken women who is afraid of flying was on a flight from Hong Kong to Brisbane, this women smokes, they were 40,000 feet in the air.

She told the guy sitting beside her that she wanted to have a cigarette, the guy sitting beside her was drunker than she was, he told her that he didn't smoke and said "you bitch if you want to smoke go outside" she told him to "go and have sex with himself" than she rose from her seat and tried to open the airplane door (to go outside and have a smoke).

It took three flight attendents, a pilot and eight passengers to subdue the women before she got the door open.

The guy sitting beside her was yelling obcenities and telling the pilot to open the door and "throw the bitch out".

Bluebirds fly, why then oh why can't I.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


I hate Cell Phones:
Everywhere you look to-day you see people walking, driving, running, standing still, laying down, kneeling, and going to the bathroom with one of these stupid bastard phones stuck to the side of their head.

The next time you see a “phone freak” blabbing away in the middle of the street get up beside them and listen to the senseless shit they talk about, why do people call someone up on the phone and talk about their laundry while they’re walking down Main St.

How in the name of God did us “old people” ever make it through life without one of these blasted infernal rotten devices?

I just bought one today, I am looking at the little TV screen on it wondering what the hell is going to come up on it, does it have “dirty HBO democrat pictures on it” is it looking at me, I’m afraid of the damn thing.

Do people use their Cell Phones when they are having sex, do Cell Phones ring when you are having sex, do people answer them when they are having sex, if people do answer them when they are having sex do they say, “call me back, I’m having sex”?

Author: Red Burtt

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Are You One Of Us

Do you miss a bus by three seconds, do dogs snarl at you, have you ever fallen out of your car, does your "refund check get lost" (every year) have you ever lost your wife at the beach are you one of us, the "dark cloud people".

I have written a "little story" on this subject, go up and click on "View My Profile" then read "Red Burtts Storys" the title is "Do Not Disturb".

I am a "dark clouder"

Author: Red Burtt