Red Burtts Place

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Location: Maine, United States

ATTENTION: Print some of my Blogs up for your children, tell them to take them to school and have their teacher read them aloud to the whole class. To read some of my longer stories click on “VIEW MY COMPLETE PROFILE” at the end of this message then under My Blogs Click On “Red Burtts Storys". Save it if you wish in your favorites, I may be writing about you someday. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ E-Mail Me At

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Look Before Going

I thought I heard everything, but there is a new one out there. This week in the news there was a story about a brand new “perversion” “sex weirdos”
We have Peeping Toms, Guys That Smell Bicycle Seats, Stocking Sniffers, Pillow Lovers, Underwear Collectors, Shoe Lovers and many other types of “Ding Dongs”.

Well my friends, now there is a new group out there, “Outhouse Peekers”. As the story went in the news a young women was using an outhouse, it couldn’t have been a portable toilet as we know them it must have been a genuine old fashioned outhouse, but I can’t for the love of God understand how this guy did what he did, I have been trying to figure it out for three days and nights. The young women entered the outhouse and lifted the cover, then, lo and behold, she screamed, down in the hole was a mans face peering up at the women.

It seems this guy waited for women to use the out house then he would get under the holes and look up, “Jesus H Christ” think about this, close your eyes and picture this scene. How the hell did he do it, what did he do, he had to be laying on his back looking up, what did he do when the “moment” arrived, did he just let it hit him in the face, did he wear a rubber suit or a raincoat.

When the police arrived he said he has been doing this for several years, he also told them he had seen almost every women in town including the Tax Collectors wife.

The news media wouldn’t go into the details as to how this was done and it has been driving me crazy, I have been trying to picture in my head every possible way that the man could accomplish this but you can’t get away from the fact that everything was going to come smack dab down into the observers face.

I did not make this up, it was in the news, maybe it can be “Googled” I will try. Stay tuned for further developments.

OK girls, I bet the next time you go to the fair and use one of these things, you will smile, and then look.

Town Selectman’s Labor Day Picnic:
“I have to go to the bathroom”
“There’s a nice clean outhouse right over there”
“Oh good”

Author: Red Burtt

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

"Let Us Pray"

Bill Clinton and Whacko Jacko both have the same "Spiritual Advisor" he is, The Reverand Jesse Jackson.

(Brother Jesse was also Bill's Pimp in Harlem)

"A Match Made In Heaven"

Author: Red Burtt

Monday, June 20, 2005

Billy Blue Dress (Again)

"Our Bill" will be in the news quite frequently in the coming months, his wife "Horrible Hillary" wants to be the next President and Bill is going to help her all he can by God.

It’s been quite awhile since I have trashed this white trash, (Our Bill) I happened to think of him this morning when I saw a picture of the wicked wretched witch of Arkansas (Our Hill) screaming and spitting on the floor of the senate on a cable news channel. (Thank God For Cable)

Our Bill:
There is a book out now that says “Our Bill" Raped Hillary in the Rose Garden. (Boy, that must have been something)

My sources tell me that Hillary raped Madelene Allbright on Air Force One.

Clinton is nothing but "White Trailer Trash" that happens to be a "Very Slick Politician"

Monica Lewinsky will have a Larger Place in the History Books than Clinton will.

His legacy in History a hundred years from now will not be for any "Great Achievement" but will be for the "Blue Dress".

In the year 2105, Bill Clinton will be nothing but a "dirty joke" in the classrooms of America.

The best advice ever given to anyone in Washington DC since this country was founded was when Linda Tripp said to Monica Lewinsky, "Don't Clean That Dress"

Here is a little mentioned story about President “Billy Blue Dress”:
William Jefferson Clinton according to sources in Arkansas had “The Mumps” when he was a young teen, this left him “STERILE”, later in life he met and married “Wretched Horrible Hillary”. Then, a miracle happened, a year or so after this union, Chelsea was born????? Ah ha, oh, oh, but my God Almighty, how could this be, Our Bill is STERILE, it is impossible for him to impregnate a women, but, there she was, little Chelsea.

Do you all remember “Webster Hubble” (hee hee), he looked like a “Haddock”, well now, look closely at a picture of Chelsea, Oh My God, Oh Jesus H Christ, Chelsea is the spitting image of Webster Hubble, could the Smartest Women In The World Actually Have Been Diddling Around With Haddock Face Hubble. (Da Da?)
Could this be a true story?

William Jefferson (Hot Pants) Clinton, to this day, refuses to release his past medical records.

Mumps, does anyone have them today??

“Hey, is that your kid”
“Don’t look like you”
“Yeah, everybody says that”
“Did you ever have the Mumps?”
Har, Har, Ha, Ho, Ho, Ho, Blag, Arggghhhhhhh, Ssssstttttttt, DONG, Slurp, Gaaaaaaa. "Is your wife home"? ha, ha, ha, ha.

Author: Red Burtt

"There Goes Another One Mother"

America has another "NUT" running loose in the country this week.


Author: Red Burtt

Thursday, June 16, 2005

The Feeble Minded Among Us

This week I think I will Blog about Old, “Old People”. Many young people don’t understand old people; the reason for this is that “Young People” have never been “Old People”, YET.

Old people no longer enjoy many of the things they enjoyed when they were young people, “skate boarding, water skiing, sex” just to name a few.

Old people don’t or can’t think like they did when they were young people; their brains and body are older and have been used more than the younger person.

TIME DETERIATES THE BRAIN AND BODY, memory and reflex are no longer what they used to be, some of us old folks have been known to take a trip to Wal-Mart and instead of parking in the “Handicap Spot” we drive our vehicle right through the Front Window.

Some of us have been known to get out of bed in the morning, go to the bathroom, urinate in the wastebasket, flush the toilet, return to the bedroom, put on a clean shirt and a tie, then our shoes and socks, walk into the kitchen where there is a room full of people and you don’t have any pants or underwear on. The kids all laugh, the grownups leave.

We forget our own phone number, we get a bill from a credit card company, then a month later you get a call from the “credit card leg breakers” saying you didn’t pay the bill, you tell them they are a bunch of scum bag ass holes and that you mailed that in weeks ago. That night you go to bed at 7:30, you feel something strange in your bed, you get up and throw the covers off, you see some paper, it’s the credit card bill.

Things aren’t what they used to be, by God.

Below is the fairy tale world that some “whipper snappers” think the old folks should live in.
“Oh I love the Golden Years, oh I would never want to be thirty again, lets go down to the “Rec Hall” and have a Martini, then we can all sing “Heart Of My Heart” “Honey can you see my diapers through my Polyester shorts” “Oh Jesus, I can’t find my teeth”

“I might drop dead today”

Young People think Old people should think like Young People, "We Don't"

Coming Up Next Week:
How young people cope with the elderly.
How the Eskimos do it.

Author: Red Burtt

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Uncle Whacko's Loose

Not Guilty:

Whacko Jerko Jacko is back in his Playpen with his Umbrella; the American justice system has spoken, big doings at Neverland Tonight, Sound The Trumpets, Release The Doves, Bring On The Chimps, Pour The Wine, (In Coke cans).

Latoya Jackson has sent out for a whole troop of Cub Scouts to come over and “play” there will also be a “Giant Sleepover” hot damn. Michael feels good tonight kids, “Watch Out”, (Wink Wink)

“Oh my goodness, what a sweet little child”, “I’m free, I’m free”, “Lollipops for everyone”

Whacko’s father went back to the courthouse this morning; he later said, “he didn’t know the trial was over”.

Those California Jury’s are something, they interviewed one of them and she said she got upset that the Mother of one of “Whacko’s Playmates” snapped her fingers in the direction of the jury, “By God, that proved Michael didn’t do it”.

Another one of these “Moron Jurists” was asked what he thought about “Bleach Face” coming to court in his Pajamas, the Nitwit replied “I didn’t see him” ha, ha, figure that one out, he didn’t see him, where was this “Idiot Jurist” sitting in a closet by himself, maybe he was in the wrong courtroom.

The “Ding Dong Mothers” are starting to line up outside the Gates of Neverland ready to “Donate” their Little Boys to the “Nut With The Umbrella”.


Author: Red Burtt

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Heat And Heat People (Not Me)

A few years ago when we were younger, oh say “about 75 or so” my wife said, “she might enjoy living in Florida”.

Today is June 11, 2005, school isn’t even out, it is 86 degrees, the humidity is 91. I am already day dreaming about “cold crisp air” “falling leaves” “snuggling under the blanket” and the first “gentle snow fall”.

I AM NOT A HEAT PERSON AND I CAN’T HELP IT. I don’t like sand, I don’t like the sun, and I can’t stand “Humidity”, hot humid days make me sick to my stomach. I also know that there are millions of you people that think I am CRAZY, you are all over every beach in America, “God Bless You”, I am not one of you.

Sitting in the sand, in the sun and sweating is a form of medieval torture for members of the “Red Head Community”.

I have Red Hair, Sheet White Skin and Freckles, God did not intend for human beings like me to be “Beach Bums”, we function much better in a “Dimly Lit Cocktail Lounge” fully dressed, with the Air Conditioner Blasting. (Think about that), no sand in our crotch.

My wife has been a “Beach Bum” most of her life, our cars for fifty years have had clam shells and sand in the trunk, yes fifty years of wet seats, sea shells and sand. You all know what a “sand dollar” is, right, well I have had sand dollars in every crevice of my car, in our closets, in our dresser drawers, and under our beds.

I do agree with this though, I love the beach, “AT NIGHT”, one of life’s great pleasures if you have been fortunate enough to do it is sit with friends, wearing a sweatshirt, drinking cold beer, and cooking Polish Sausage over a roaring campfire until the wee hours of the morning, I have done it many times down on “Old Cape Cod”. That is my idea of beaching; there is “No Odor” in the world as wonderful as the New England Shoreline of the Atlantic Ocean at Two O’clock in the morning sitting by a campfire.

My wife is Crazy, but you should see what a “Hot Muggy Day” does to her, it drives her nuts, she vacuums, she throws things around in the kitchen, she talks to herself, she moves the refrigerator around, she rearranges the bed room and just goes completely berserk, the heat triggers some prehistoric crazy animal behavior in her. The heat affects many people like this. I have worked with men who will come up to me on one of these “Hell Days”, they will be smiling, their hair is matted to their heads, sweat is dripping from their face, their clothes are sticking to their bodies and they will say, “boy what a beautiful day”, I can only look at them and picture myself Smashing them in the face with a Coal Shovel.

One more group of “Batty Bastards” I have to speak of, “JOGGERS”, the next time it is 100 degrees out and the humidity is a 150 jump in your car and take a ride, it won’t be long before you see one, they will be wearing their soaking wet tank top with a number on it, $200 sneakers, and they will have little Soaking Wet satin shorts on that are stuck up inside the crack of their ass.

As you pass this “Panting Sweaty Skinny Moron”, look closely at their face, it is contorted, their eyes are bulging, their tongue is hanging out, and the only way to describe the look on their face is, they appear to have been CONSTIPATED for a week, they look just like they are trying to have a “Bowel Movement” while they are running. (Horses have bowel movements while they are walking)

I love all you Florida Folks, I love all you Beach Bums, but please, count me out. I like cold rainy days and a good movie.

Author: Red Burtt

Clorox Nut

Have you ever noticed the "Wacko Jacko Clan" when they march into the courthouse, the family members are all "Black", the "Fruitcake Pedophile" is "GREY".

If this "Dip Shit Nut" goes to jail, I wonder if the authorities will allow him to walk around with his Umbrella in the "exercise yard".

Author: Red Burtt

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Can't Offend Anyone, Can We

Stay away from those “Supermarket Salad Bars”

Some “Muslims” were arrested out in California yesterday, it has been reported that they intended on targeting Hospitals and Supermarkets.

If you have to get a Tetanus Shot or if you are scheduled to have someone stick something up your Rectum, make sure you know who is doing it. If a “Male Nurse” approaches you while you are on the table with your “Jonnie” on and he is “dark skinned” wearing “Horn Rim Glasses” and he has a “Black Beard”, get up and RUN.

Forget those damn Salad Bars, can you imagine the things that can be put in there by “Passing Screwballs”.

Now please, all “Bed Wetting” “Left Wing” “Looney Liberals” that read this, please don’t label me a “Racist” because I mentioned the forbidden word “Muslim”.

The people that call us “Infidels” and Christian Devils” and want us all dead aren’t “Irish Catholics” they are not “Methodists” they are not “Presbyterians” they are not “Wicans” they are not the “Sorcerers Of Voo Doo” and they are not “Southern Baptists”, THEY ARE ISLAMIC MUSLIMS. (Some are bad some are good, the bad ones want to dance on your children’s grave and use your head for a soccer ball) You may have to give up a few of your rights today but that is far better than having your families legs blown off.

Of course all “Bush Haters” “Sore Losers” and “Babbling Liberals” will disagree.

“Honey, do you want some sliced beets with your salad” ??

Author: Red Burtt

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Looney Liberals

Cambridge Massachusetts is a Beehive of Sappy Left Wing Liberalism (remember, condom machines in City Hall), they pride themselves on "Diversity, Fairness, Kindness, Justice And Equality For All", they want to make sure nobody is left out, equal opportunity, no favorites, well OK.

This ad was placed in the local papers Classified Section Under "Employment"


Logan Airport 7:00 AM:
"Yes dear"
"Whos that funny looking little orange man with one leg and a white cane"
" Thats the pilot dear, he comes from Cambridge"

Author: Red Burtt

Saturday, June 04, 2005

A Fact

Something to think about on your 69th Birthday:

According to the Harvard Medical School, The Council On Aging, and Benito Mussolini, after you turn "70" you are living on borrowed time.

Tomorrow could be the day.

Author: Red Burtt

Friday, June 03, 2005

Cluck, Cluck, Cluck

When you have nothing to do in the morning except stare at your feet, turn the TV on to one of those “silly women’s shows” such as “The View”.

Next, turn the volume up, then close your eyes and listen to them, don’t look at them.

They sound like a bunch of barnyard chickens fighting over a piece of bread.

Try it. (I bet you will) if you don’t, your husband will.

Author: Red Burtt