Heat And Heat People (Not Me)
A few years ago when we were younger, oh say “about 75 or so” my wife said, “she might enjoy living in Florida”.
Today is June 11, 2005, school isn’t even out, it is 86 degrees, the humidity is 91. I am already day dreaming about “cold crisp air” “falling leaves” “snuggling under the blanket” and the first “gentle snow fall”.
I AM NOT A HEAT PERSON AND I CAN’T HELP IT. I don’t like sand, I don’t like the sun, and I can’t stand “Humidity”, hot humid days make me sick to my stomach. I also know that there are millions of you people that think I am CRAZY, you are all over every beach in America, “God Bless You”, I am not one of you.
Sitting in the sand, in the sun and sweating is a form of medieval torture for members of the “Red Head Community”.
I have Red Hair, Sheet White Skin and Freckles, God did not intend for human beings like me to be “Beach Bums”, we function much better in a “Dimly Lit Cocktail Lounge” fully dressed, with the Air Conditioner Blasting. (Think about that), no sand in our crotch.
My wife has been a “Beach Bum” most of her life, our cars for fifty years have had clam shells and sand in the trunk, yes fifty years of wet seats, sea shells and sand. You all know what a “sand dollar” is, right, well I have had sand dollars in every crevice of my car, in our closets, in our dresser drawers, and under our beds.
I do agree with this though, I love the beach, “AT NIGHT”, one of life’s great pleasures if you have been fortunate enough to do it is sit with friends, wearing a sweatshirt, drinking cold beer, and cooking Polish Sausage over a roaring campfire until the wee hours of the morning, I have done it many times down on “Old Cape Cod”. That is my idea of beaching; there is “No Odor” in the world as wonderful as the New England Shoreline of the Atlantic Ocean at Two O’clock in the morning sitting by a campfire.
My wife is Crazy, but you should see what a “Hot Muggy Day” does to her, it drives her nuts, she vacuums, she throws things around in the kitchen, she talks to herself, she moves the refrigerator around, she rearranges the bed room and just goes completely berserk, the heat triggers some prehistoric crazy animal behavior in her. The heat affects many people like this. I have worked with men who will come up to me on one of these “Hell Days”, they will be smiling, their hair is matted to their heads, sweat is dripping from their face, their clothes are sticking to their bodies and they will say, “boy what a beautiful day”, I can only look at them and picture myself Smashing them in the face with a Coal Shovel.
One more group of “Batty Bastards” I have to speak of, “JOGGERS”, the next time it is 100 degrees out and the humidity is a 150 jump in your car and take a ride, it won’t be long before you see one, they will be wearing their soaking wet tank top with a number on it, $200 sneakers, and they will have little Soaking Wet satin shorts on that are stuck up inside the crack of their ass.
As you pass this “Panting Sweaty Skinny Moron”, look closely at their face, it is contorted, their eyes are bulging, their tongue is hanging out, and the only way to describe the look on their face is, they appear to have been CONSTIPATED for a week, they look just like they are trying to have a “Bowel Movement” while they are running. (Horses have bowel movements while they are walking)
I love all you Florida Folks, I love all you Beach Bums, but please, count me out. I like cold rainy days and a good movie.
Author: Red Burtt
Today is June 11, 2005, school isn’t even out, it is 86 degrees, the humidity is 91. I am already day dreaming about “cold crisp air” “falling leaves” “snuggling under the blanket” and the first “gentle snow fall”.
I AM NOT A HEAT PERSON AND I CAN’T HELP IT. I don’t like sand, I don’t like the sun, and I can’t stand “Humidity”, hot humid days make me sick to my stomach. I also know that there are millions of you people that think I am CRAZY, you are all over every beach in America, “God Bless You”, I am not one of you.
Sitting in the sand, in the sun and sweating is a form of medieval torture for members of the “Red Head Community”.
I have Red Hair, Sheet White Skin and Freckles, God did not intend for human beings like me to be “Beach Bums”, we function much better in a “Dimly Lit Cocktail Lounge” fully dressed, with the Air Conditioner Blasting. (Think about that), no sand in our crotch.
My wife has been a “Beach Bum” most of her life, our cars for fifty years have had clam shells and sand in the trunk, yes fifty years of wet seats, sea shells and sand. You all know what a “sand dollar” is, right, well I have had sand dollars in every crevice of my car, in our closets, in our dresser drawers, and under our beds.
I do agree with this though, I love the beach, “AT NIGHT”, one of life’s great pleasures if you have been fortunate enough to do it is sit with friends, wearing a sweatshirt, drinking cold beer, and cooking Polish Sausage over a roaring campfire until the wee hours of the morning, I have done it many times down on “Old Cape Cod”. That is my idea of beaching; there is “No Odor” in the world as wonderful as the New England Shoreline of the Atlantic Ocean at Two O’clock in the morning sitting by a campfire.
My wife is Crazy, but you should see what a “Hot Muggy Day” does to her, it drives her nuts, she vacuums, she throws things around in the kitchen, she talks to herself, she moves the refrigerator around, she rearranges the bed room and just goes completely berserk, the heat triggers some prehistoric crazy animal behavior in her. The heat affects many people like this. I have worked with men who will come up to me on one of these “Hell Days”, they will be smiling, their hair is matted to their heads, sweat is dripping from their face, their clothes are sticking to their bodies and they will say, “boy what a beautiful day”, I can only look at them and picture myself Smashing them in the face with a Coal Shovel.
One more group of “Batty Bastards” I have to speak of, “JOGGERS”, the next time it is 100 degrees out and the humidity is a 150 jump in your car and take a ride, it won’t be long before you see one, they will be wearing their soaking wet tank top with a number on it, $200 sneakers, and they will have little Soaking Wet satin shorts on that are stuck up inside the crack of their ass.
As you pass this “Panting Sweaty Skinny Moron”, look closely at their face, it is contorted, their eyes are bulging, their tongue is hanging out, and the only way to describe the look on their face is, they appear to have been CONSTIPATED for a week, they look just like they are trying to have a “Bowel Movement” while they are running. (Horses have bowel movements while they are walking)
I love all you Florida Folks, I love all you Beach Bums, but please, count me out. I like cold rainy days and a good movie.
Author: Red Burtt
posted by Red Burtt | 6:18 PM
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