Red Burtts Place

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Location: Maine, United States

ATTENTION: Print some of my Blogs up for your children, tell them to take them to school and have their teacher read them aloud to the whole class. To read some of my longer stories click on “VIEW MY COMPLETE PROFILE” at the end of this message then under My Blogs Click On “Red Burtts Storys". Save it if you wish in your favorites, I may be writing about you someday. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ E-Mail Me At

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Look At This Kids

The worlds smartest women and America's First Black President are going to open a daycare center in Iraq after we win the war.

Jessie Jackson will be the centers "Spiritual Advisor"

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Jimmy Donk

I bet you all know somebody like this, a guy who walks into mirrors, takes cereal off a shelf in the store and pulls down about 23 other boxes with it, trips and falls about 6 times a week, killed his own cat with his lawn mower, can’t find his car when he comes out of the Mall, try’s to get in somebody else’s car because he thinks it looks like his, goes to a house party and snoops in the medicine cabinet while he is zipping up his fly and all the pills come crashing out into the sink, urinates on the floor while he is trying to see if there is any Viagra in the medicine cabinet, wets himself before he gets to the bathroom and then stays in there for an hour trying to dry his pants, he doesn’t know how to whisper and he says the “F” word in church when his daughter is getting married, his daughter the priest and all the people in the front row hear him, he loudly breaks wind in the movie house, when the movie is over he drags his coat over the women’s head in front of him, he’s always smiling, his wife cheats on him, every dog he has ever met has tried to bite him, kids hate him, his wife hates him, God hates him and when he was born the doctor slapped his mothers face.
I worked with this guy, he took his ex wifes mother to a Fair up in NH, a horse got loose, he tried to catch the horse, he fell down, the horse turned around and came back then kicked him in the face, he died instantly, a fat women fainted at his wake and knocked the casket off the table, his body fell out on the floor, the body didn't have any pants on, the Undertaker stole them, some at the wake screamed, others laughed.

Keep Your Hand Upon The Throttle
And Your Eye Upon The Rail
Author: Red Burtt

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Take A Left Here

Florida Again:
This week in Miami three elderly people all in their early seventies got into their car and went to visit some friends who lived 8 miles from their hotel.

They had a lovely time during their visit, they talked about Glenn Miller, WWII and they sang a few bars of “That Old Gang Of Mine”, then they left, they headed back to their Hotel, two women and one man, one of the women was driving.

THEY GOT LOST, instead of stopping and getting help they kept driving around the city of Miami, they drove around for THREE-DAYS.

Relatives had gone to the Police after they didn’t come home on the second day, the Police finally found them, they were parked in a Gas Station parking lot, just sitting there, they still wouldn’t ask for directions.

Nobody has mentioned where or how they “relieved themselves” I would be interested in knowing.

The two women took turns driving; they later told the Police that the gentleman that was with them has Alzheimer’s, he didn’t even know they were lost, he thought they were taking him for a ride.

I myself am now “OLD” I never ever want to set foot in the State Of Florida, it does something to us “Old Folks”.