Red Burtts Place

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Location: Maine, United States

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004


Dec 20, 2004 8PM EST:

At precisely 8PM EST on National TV and local TV all over the world an Islamic Muslim Named "Mohammad Something" will cut Santa Claus' head off.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Puff The Magic Dragon And Fonda/Kerry

"Puff The Magic Dragon" is one of the songs that the FONDA/KERRY gang used to sing during the sixties while they were "taking trips” (LSD) "flapping their arms, trying to fly and playing with themselves on the lawn across the street from the White House”.
Look closely at "Shithead Kerry" in one of those old news movies when he is talking about American Soldiers cutting off arms and legs, "he drools", he was on something.

Remember "Bella Abzug" the wacky feminist, she looked like she crawled out of a cave back in "2 million BC", Kerry had sex with her in the back of Joan Baez's Volkswagen Van, a pregnancy resulted from this union, when the baby was born it scared the shit out of everybody present, they put it in a box with holes in it then took it to the Black Panthers Clubhouse, Jesse Jackoff took one look at it and shot it. It had a big long shitty Jaw just like it's fathers and it drooled, it also had hair all over its body just like it's mother. The body is now in a jar in the "Room Of Freaks" at the Smithsonian Institute. Teresa said that if this story is true she isn’t going to let Long John wear his medals around the house anymore, and she will take his allowance away from him.
Jesse Jackoff said when he saw it, “some white bastard must be that things father”, he now denies saying this, because he is voting for “Fonda Hero Kerry”

Jane Fonda wanted to be the Godmother to "Kerrys Thing"

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Mr Seal-Also Uncle Teddy

Mother Nature And Mr Seal: By Red Burtt

This is dedicated to Do-Gooders throughout the world, I have always said that “the biggest enemy an environmental do-gooder has, is Mother Nature”. The little story below that I dreamed up while watching the tide come in bears me out on this profound fact. By God.

A group of hand wringing, pasty faced, Liberals strolling the shoreline found a large seal on a beach down in Cape Cod Massachusetts, the Seal was old, sick and very tired, experts said the Seal beached itself to die, they say it wanted to die. Somehow the "Blubbering Sobbing Save The World Activists" got their little hands on Mr Seal, they slaughtered some little fish and fed him, they all stood around sipping their white wine and pouring sea water over his body and patted him and told each other what a great thing this was that they were doing, they said God was smiling down on them. They all kissed and hugged each other. After spending about $15,000 on Mr Seal and taking photos, they decided it was time for Mr Seal to return to the sea. (all Mr Seal wanted to do was die).
They came to the conclusion that this seal would be better off if released in the colder northern waters. Another $10,000. They took him somewhere up near Iceland, they also brought several cases of White Wine, Cheese, and a lot of Cameras. The big day finally came, “Pop The Corks”, “Cut The Cheese”, “Load The Cameras”, Jesus this was great, some in the crowd were becoming sexually aroused. Mrs Twittlebaum was the leader of this group of ass holes so she was given the privilege of opening the cage. (Mrs Twittlebaum always boasted that she once touched Jimmy carters arm at a Spotted Owl Convention)
Mrs. Twittlebaum proudly posed for the cameras then opened the cage. Out waddled Mr Seal, the Granola Eating Kooks were all singing "We Shall Overcome", then several of the squealing wacko’s started crying. Mr. Seal finally realizing that these babbling morons were not going to let him die in peace swam off, then it happened, JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY, a Killer Whale the size of a two story building came up out of the water and grabbed Mr Seal by the head and started to thrash, chew, and chomp, blood and guts were washing ashore, Mr Seals head went flying fifty feet in the air, Mrs Twittlebaum urinated in her polyester shorts then passed out, the ass holes stopped singing, the Orgasms stopped, one of the Winos, wearing a “Vote For Gore” tee shirt was running up and down the beach waving one of Mr Seals bloody Flippers and screaming “call 911”, many more had fainted, they were lying in the mud with the wine, cameras, cheese and seal guts. Then, silence.
Off in the distance, the killer whale was happily frolicking in the waves; this was a great day to be a whale.


Sep 2004:
Uncle Teddy (Kennedy) once passed out (Vodka) on the beach in Hyannisport, he was laying on his back with his mouth open as though in a coma. A group of these whining, liberal goof ball Democrat "Kerry People" saw him and started pouring sea water all over his body, some were patting him and praying, they thought he was a white whale.

Sep 2004:
There have been no reports this summer of Uncle Teddy falling out of his boat, there was however, an unconfirmed report of Uncle Teddy driving his Mothers antique Oldsmobile up and down the sidewalks of Hyannis. It was also reported that he was naked and that his Sister Eunices dog was with him, the dog had his head out the window barking at the pedestrians, some of the tourists were
applauding and screaming "We Love You Teddy, God Bless you".

Just In Oct 11 2004,
Uncle Teddy and Michael Moore were seen kissing and dancing to-gether at a secluded night spot in Washington DC. Michael wasn't wearing his baseball hat. There was no comment on this from Uncle Teddys office.

Monday, September 20, 2004

A Church Has Closed

A Church Has Closed.
Cambridge Massachusetts, The Blessed Sacrament Church, a Catholic Church located on the corner of Pearl and Lake Streets. This church opened in 1905 it shut its doors last week, September 2004.

In 1930 my parents and myself moved into what was then known as the “Greasy Village” area of the Cambridgeport Section of the city. The Village was a working class neighborhood made up of Irish, Italian, Greek, African American, Polish, Lithuanian and a lot of other, well, I’ll call them “mongrels” (that should get some liberal all fired up) we had a mixture of everything.
The great majority of the Village People were Catholic and the “Blessed Sacrament” was “their church”. I am not a Catholic but I knew this church, maybe better than some of its members.
All through my early teens I would attend Masses with my friends, I have been to many weddings at this church and would many times sit in a pew and wait for one of my friends to “confess”.
The two Priests that I remember from my time were, Father O’Brien and Father Finnegan, Finnegan was constantly trying to convert me, he used to tell me that with my Green Eyes and Red Hair that there was no way in Gods world that I should be a Protestant.
There was a variety store across the street from the church named “Zarkies”, Father Finnegan would always take us in there and buy us all Ice Cream Cones.
The Blessed Sacrament is a huge building, it is one of the “old timers” just by looking at it you know that it had to be built by master craftsmen, it was built to last, if they remove it they will have their work cut out for them. They don’t put buildings like that up today. I bet the Idiots that run the city will destroy it.
Right beside the Church on Lake St they had a Parochial School, many of my friends attended this school. I have one “little story” that I would like to tell about the “Sister School” as it was then called.
We weren’t Angels in the Village, in fact the Village had quite a reputation in those days, but that is another story. One day a friend of mine that went to the Sister School wanted to leave early, I already had plans of “skipping school” for the day, I attended the Morse School. Nobody in those days had a phone, you used a kid to send messages to other people’s homes, my friend wanted me to come to the Sister School and tell a Nun that there was an emergency and his mother had to have him home right away. At ten thirty AM I marched into the Sister School and told the first Nun I saw that I was there to give a message to my friend’s teacher that “Bob” I don’t want to put his whole name in here he is still alive, that he has to go home right away, his Mother needs him. The Nun went off down the hall, Then in a few moments all hell broke loose, Jesus Christ, down the hall comes this six foot, two hundred pound Nun, she had a pointer in her hand and she was screaming at me, “don’t you move”, yeah right, Godzilla was charging at me and she was telling me not to move, I took off, out the little alley I went between the church and the school and ran into the park on Lake St, this gigantic monster was still after me waving her pointer and screaming, I can just imagine what would of happened if there had been a Cops car going by, between the Cops and this screaming mad women that was chasing me they would have beat me to death right there in the Park. Thank God I escaped.
I went back up to our Corner and found out that the Cops had picked my friend up earlier at the school, it seems he had broken into the Wilson Meat Packing Co the night before and the watchman had recognized him and told the cops. Later in life when we were a lot older we would often tell this story to each other, if he reads this he will get a good laugh, maybe with his great grandchildren.
The depression was a bad time, the Mothers in our neighborhood spent a lot of time in the Blessed Sacrament in those days, most likely praying, things were pretty rough for some in the Village.

There are many stories that could be told about the Blessed Sacrament and the people that worshipped there, many of them were christened there, married there and were buried from there. Many Village Parents went there to pray for their sons that were fighting in Europe and the Pacific during WWII and some went there to pray when they were told that their sons would not be coming home. The Blessed Sacrament was as much a part of the neighborhood as the family homes were.
The Convent for the church was one block up on Erie St, as a young teenager I worked on an Ice Wagon, we used to deliver Ice to this Convent and would always get a cold drink from one of the Nuns.
When a long standing church closes its doors for good, part of the neighborhood Dies.
Most all of the people that I knew who were members of this church back in the Thirties and Forties are now gone, Fathers O’Brien and Finnegan are gone, the Nun that chased me up Lake St is gone, and now, The Church is gone. The older we get, the more changes we see, some are Sad.
Red Burtt

Sunday, September 19, 2004


-----------GO AHEAD-------------

Saturday, September 18, 2004


The Year 1938-The Place Westport Island Maine:
Let me tell you by God, there is nothing in this whole world to equal the feeling and the pleasure of riding in the open Rumble Seat of a 1929 Ford on a late summer day up a dirt road, on an Island off the coast of Maine with the aroma of the ocean, wild flowers and blueberry fields filling the air.
To make this experience last a lifetime though, you have to be eating a fresh Maine Crabmeat sandwich, made by your Grandmother. (with crabs from your own traps)
A thirteen old boy will remember this until the day he dies, and maybe beyond??

(This takes place on your trip back to the crowded tenement house in the city of Cambridge Massachusetts where you will live, shiver and be hungry until the following summer) The great depression of the nineteen thirties was a “Bitch” let me tell you.

I remember
Red Burtt

An Old Lady With A Glass Eye

This is a story I heard on my car radio while I was waiting for my wife to go to the bathroom, I will try and describe it as best as I can, I remember the basics, I will tell it in my own words. Truth is far stranger than fiction. (And much more humorous) –Red Burtt
Molly Crawford’s house and yard were littered with old items, junk, boxes, broken chairs and the like. Molly is 83 years of age, she has a Glass Eye, is almost totally Deaf and partially Blind in her “Good Eye”, she also has bad knees and walks with a cane. She lives alone; her husband was run over and killed by a car after falling out of his own vehicle after he had parked it two years earlier, their dog was also killed in this accident by another car when it attempted to follow it’s master.
The neighbors of Molly Crawford called the authorities complaining about the condition of Molly’s front yard and the image it was giving the neighborhood. When city workers arrived with a court order to clean out Molly’s front yard she became very upset and agitated.
She explained to them that she only had one eye and that she was legally blind in her good eye, she said the only thing in the yard she was concerned about was a little “Red Wagon” that had been in the family for over ninety years, she asked them if they would put it on her front porch, “she had flowers planted in it” she told them.
When they had finished loading the truck they asked her to sign a paper, she had trouble hearing them and kept screaming, “Where is my God Damn wagon”, the city worker shouted as loud as he could that they had not seen a little red wagon. Neighbors hearing all the noise began to gather in front of Molly’s house. Molly became very upset and staggered with her cane over to the city truck where she tried to climb in and “feel” for her wagon.
She had one leg on the rear step of the truck and she was hanging onto to the side with her free arm and swinging her cane at the city worker with the other. Molly was clearly getting out of control. The crowd was now cheering and calling both Molly and the city workers filthy names. The city workers now decided that Molly was too much for them to handle. They called the Police.

Now, enter, The Local Police Dept, The Men In Blue:
The Police arrived and told Molly to get her leg off the city truck and go back into her house. The Police didn’t know Molly couldn’t hear them and Molly kept saying “I want my Red Wagon”, the police also didn’t know that Molly had a Glass Eye. One young officer tried to take Molly by the arm, she swung her cane at him, the officer stepped back and “Pepper Sprayed Molly”, some in the crowd cheered, Molly screamed but would not let go of the truck, the Police Officer then gave her a quick Electric Shock with a small Faser Gun, Molly screamed again then she shouted out as loud as she could “I want my wagon”. The other officer stepped in and grabbed Molly by the back of her blouse ripping it off her back causing her to fall to the ground.
It was now that one of the officers slapped Molly on the side of her head causing her Glass Eye to fall out. Molly now tried to kick out at the officer, the police officer in turn kicked Molly breaking a rib. Molly was now crying and gasping for breath she was still swinging her cane and screaming for her “Red Wagon”, the crowd was going wild and several dogs were barking. Some in the crowd were shouting “kill her, kill the bitch”. Molly was now lying on the ground with her long brown stockings bunched up around her ankles, her dress was pulled up so that her bloomers and varicose veins were showing, her blouse was torn off, and her glass eye was somewhere out in the street.
A police sergeant arrived on the scene to see his two officers sweating and out of breath and a 83-year-old women laying in the street crying with no shirt on and her dress rolled up around her chest, she was gasping, drooling and missing one eye. The crowd was now in a frenzy some told the reporters that it was about time somebody did something about all the junk in that yard. One man that had a small child with him shouted out as loudly as he could, “they should have shot the old bitch”.
After Molly was taken away in the Ambulance and the crowd had dispersed, an elderly man was found dead in the street, it was determined that he had choked to death on his dentures when they became dislodged while he was screaming at Molly and the police.
Molly is now suing the City and the Police Dept for Two Million Dollars.
She said they all claimed that there was “No Red Wagon” she insists there was, and says she misses it terribly.
Both Police Officers were suspended for thirty days without pay. The young officer that kicked Molly said his wife has “left him”, he also said, “I was only doing my job, she (Molly) could have killed me with that cane”.
They never found Molly’s glass eye.



I wonder if there are any outhouses left in the state of Maine. When I was a young boy I spent all my summers at my Grandmothers home on Westport Island on the coast of Maine.
We had a beautiful outhouse located just beyond an apple orchard about 300 ft from the house.
This was a "Two Seater", I have never heard of two people using an outhouse together, but I suppose if you had to you had to, LOL.
There was always two current catalogs beside the hole, one was a Sears & Roebuck (whatever happened to Roebuck) the other was a Montgomery Ward, my Grandmother would also put the latest "Life Magazine" out there (it came in the mail). I liked the catalogs, I used to go through the "ladies underwear" section.
Also, every summer that I can remember, up in the corner of the ceiling there was a large "Spider Web" I used to sit and watch as this huge spider would slowly climb down to the center of his web and chew a Flys head off.
I had many happy moments in that old outhouse. My wife says "I have a strange mind"