Did You Ever Wonder Why

My wife thinks that somewhere along the line in life that something happened to me to cause my brain to malfunction.
She says I should blow my nose one nostril at a time. She says I don't drink enough water.
I told her I used to be a democrat, she said I was never a democrat.
I told her I have one leg shorter than the other, she claims she has always known that.
Many years ago when I was a young man I sometimes drank on the weekend, on one such weekend after spending the evening with friends I went down in the cellar at 3:24 AM to fill the oil jug for our kitchen stove, when I came back up I told my wife that I had just met Jesus Christ down in the cellar. She said it wasn't Jesus, I said "it looked like him" she said it was the women that lived in the house next door, I asked her, "why was she in our cellar" she said she didn't know.

Xmas Carols Santa And Mohammad

Shortly after the election, no matter who wins, a War will begin.

The stinking slimey ACLU and the Whacko Politically Correct, pasty faced, smelly far left liberal lunatics will "Declare War On Xmas, Xmas Carols, Colored Lights, Jesus Christ, Jingle Bells, Rudolph, Nativity, And Kris Kringle (Santa).

"Oh Jesus,quick, put the blue lights out, I think there's a Muslim walking by the house"......."it's OK honey, it wasn't a Muslim it was a Presbyterian"

Down the street in the apartment over their convenient store the El Jabarras have just gone to bed:

Little Muslim to Daddy Muslim, "papa, whats that noise up on the roof" Papa replies, "thats that son of a bitch Santa Claus, I'll fix him".....BANG...
"you can go back to sleep now Mohammad, I shot the fat bastard"
Daddy Mohammad whispers to his wife "the Infedels reindeer shit all over our roof"

Silver Bells, Silver Bells, It's Chrsitmas Time In The City.
Happy Birthday Jesus.

Black Presidents.

Bill Clinton said "I am America's first black president".Jesse Jackoff said "Bill Clinton is America's first black president".The NAACP said "Bill Clinton is America's first black president".

John"Fonda"Kerry says, "I want to be America's second black president".If John"Fonda"Kerry wins, he will be America's second black president.

Now, if in the year 2008 Al Sharpton should run, and win, will little Al Sharpton be America's third black president or will Al be America's first black president after the first and second White Black Presidents ha ha ha ha ha, stupid liberal bastards.

"Mommy, isn't that the President" "Why, I don't know dear, it looks like him"

Oh God, A Miracle, Jesus Christ

Wow, shit and hot damn, slippery little pretty boy Johnny "Pimple" Edwards in a speech yesterday raised his hands to the heavens and said that if John "Fonda" Kerry is elected that Paralyzed People all across America will rise from their wheel chairs and walk, this means that God, The Pope, Jesus, Mary and Joseph are all supporting John"Fonda Hero"Kerry could John"Fonda"Kerry actually be the second coming of Christ.

Cute Johnny Edwards is living proof of "Fonda Kerrys spiritual powers, when the handsome lawyer gives one of his "Hollywood Grins" he has a Pimple on his left upper lip, look closely, you will see it, but, sometimes it is there and sometimes it isn't, Holy Mary Mother Of Jesus H Christ, could this be another of "Kerrys Miracles". Kerry has the power to make the pimple on Edwards lip come and go!
If John"Fonda"Kerry is elected, the United States Of America, for the first time in it's history will have a Vice President that has a Pimple that "Comes And Goes" on his lip.

"Yea, though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I shall fear no evil for thou, John"Fonda"Kerry art with me"
"Hey Ma, look, I can walk, it's a miracle, oh thank you Blessed Kerry"

Meanwhile, GW Bush just pats his dog, mumbles and grins.

Nursing Home In Hot Florida

Below is a true story that I heard on the radio while I was waiting for my wife at the Laundromat. When I arrived home I sat down and wrote it out. (March 29, 3:00 PM 2004) "I hear things on the radio" ??
Red Burtt
~
Somewhere In Florida:
There was a food fight and fist fight in a “Home For The Elderly” today. It seems a 73 yr old man named Al was at the salad bar and he was fishing through the lettuce with his hands. Behind him in line was another gentleman who was in his eighties named Fred.
Fred told Al he shouldn’t be handling the salad with his bare hands. Al, in return, told Fred to mind his own damn business, Fred, becoming upset pushed Al, and then standing behind Fred, was Al’s mother, who is also a resident and is in her nineties screamed, “my son Al, only likes certain parts of the lettuce”, she then rammed her walker into Fred’s back causing him to fall down, Al’s mother also fell. Al became enraged and was now throwing food and trying to kick Fred who was lying on the floor along with Al’s mother. Al then lost his balance and he too fell, dislocating his hip.
Two other elderly residents who were sitting at tables near the salad bar also joined the fray. One bent down and tried to punch Al and he fell, fracturing his wrist, the other managed to punch Al in the face and then he too fell on the slippery floor that was now covered with food and salad dressing.

When firefighters and police arrived Al’s mother had her blouse torn off, one breast was showing and was hanging in a bowl of sliced beets, she was semi conscious and was having trouble breathing, Al had lost his teeth and was bleeding from his nose. The two men that had gotten up from the tables to join the fight were also lying in the food on the floor, gasping for breath.

Firefighters said they had never seen anything like it, when they entered the dining room there were several elderly people lying on the floor trying to breath, food was scattered all over the room and walls. Several canes, eyeglasses and a walker were also scattered about. Other residents that were not involved in the actual fighting were screaming and crying, some were shouting obscenities at the combatants. It was also noted by one police officer that several of the older male residents still sitting at the dining room tables had urinated in their pants.

Two sets of false teeth were found on the floor mixed in with the boiled eggs and chicken noodle soup that had fallen from the salad bar.

Several ambulances were needed to transport the injured to the hospital. All had oxygen masks attached to their faces.

One of the older residents that was sitting at the dining room table and joined the fight, died later that day. (No charges were filed).

Al and his mother were both asked to leave the home within thirty days.

“When I grow to old to dream, I will have you to remember”

Author: Red Burtt

Michael (Pig) Moore

America's new "Con Man", the tub of shit Michael Moore has a custom made toilet seat in his house to fit his monterous ass. When he is away from home he has been known to have bowel movements in Wal-Mart dumpsters all across America.
Michael, if you read this, "shave your stinking fat slobby neck", "wash your little baseball hat" "then move to France".

John"Fonda" Kerry Said!

Riveting, Amazing, Brilliant that is what I, "Red Burtt" have to say about Hero Kerrys most memorable statement in his second debate with President GW Bush.

These words will go down in "debate history", historians will be studying them for generations to come.

Kerry said,
I have a plan, I have a plan, I have a plan, I have a plan, I have a plan, I have a plan, I have a plan, I have a plan , I have a plan, I have a plan, I have a plan.

As he repeated these words over and over again, his wife Teresa was breathing heavily, Whoopi Goldberg fainted, Sean Penn had an Orgasm on the corner of Hollywod and Vine St and Cute Perky Katie Curic had to be sedated. Jesse Jackoff was watching the debate in a small church in Alabama, he was on his knees with his new secretary, they were both scratching themselves and screaming, "Praise God, Praise God Almighty, He Has A Plan"

President Bush just mumbled and grinned.

Nobody on the planet has any idea what the "Plan Is"

American Justice

Martha Stewart goes to jail today. 10/08/04

Uncle Teddy (Lifeguard) Kennedy sits in the US Senate.

OJ Simpson is playing golf and shacking up with "White Bitch HO's"

A Drug Dealer That Hates Bush

This is a little look into the mind of a "Bush Hating Liberal", this Bush Hating Liberal also happens to be a drug dealer.
Mr "drug dealer" is all set to make a big delivery of Coke, he is up early, he has a bowl of cheerios then he loads the trunk of his car with Two Million Dollars worth of Illegal Shit, he puts a shotgun under the front seat of his car and a 9MM Glock Pistol in his waistband, he has two Hand Grenades in the glove box, and two Pit Bulls in the back seat. This Bush Hating Liberal Democrats drivers license expired ten years ago, he has never had a firearm permit in his life.

Well he's all set now, he heads for the freeway, as soon as he comes down the off ramp he sees a sign that says "Speed Limit 65 MPH", what does this Liberal Mental Giant do, his little anti establishment, anti government, anti American attitude takes over, he mashes his right foot down onto the accelerator and is now going well over ninety MPH. (laws are meant to be broken, old LSD John Lennon and Oko Ono rule)
Mr Moron looks in the rearview mirror, what does he see, he sees blue lights, he says to himself, "those bastards".
After seeing all the goodies this Left Wing sap has in his car the cops are all kissing and hugging each other, they haul Mr Dope off to the can.

In court and in his interview with the News Media who does Mr Dope blame for all his problems.
HE BLAMES---GW BUSH, DICK CHENEY, JOHN ASHCROFT, THE PATRIOT ACT AND RUSH LIMBAUGH.
"They violated my Civil Liberties" says Mr Dope.

Every day you can read about one of these "Brain Surgeons" traveling 85 MPH in a 30 MPH zone with a car that is loaded with Cocaine......They bang their heads on the trunk of the car while being "Cuffed".
Mr Dope is muttering to himself "those bastards Ashcroft and Bush" he then screams at the Police, "Hey Cop, I want to call the ACLU, right now, you fascist pigs"

DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS:

Rodney Dangerfield is dead:

Rodney once said,
"I bought a used car last week and found one of my wifes dresses in the back seat"