Old Folks, Pay Heed:
Ah yes, Gram & Gramp, what to do with them, that is the question.
Old people are a pain in the ass, you don’t think so, ask young people that have them living with them.
The Eskimos had a solution to the “Old People Problem”, on a bitter cold night they would load them onto a sled, they would pull them out onto the Tundra for about five miles, the temperature would be 40 degrees below zero, they would remove Gram and Gramp’s Seal Skin Parka, rub noses, say goodbye and leave them, they would be dead in fifteen minutes, no expensive casket, no burial fee, no gravestone, no flowers, no phony relative kneeling and slobbering at the wake, there was no wake.
“The Polar Bears Ate Them”.
In the Eskimo culture there was no arguing among the young over whose turn it was to do their laundry, no arguing over whose turn it was to change the bed clothes, no arguing over whose turn it was to make chicken soup, no arguing over how much of the old bastards money should be spent for their oatmeal. Young Eskimos never had to worry about Old Eskimos; they didn’t have any “Old Eskimos”.
Family Squabbles In Our Culture The Year 2005:
“It’s your turn” “no it’s not” “why doesn’t he do that, why do I have to do it” “call them up and tell them to come and empty his bedpan, I did it yesterday” “they left the stove on again” “I want a divorce” “oh shit”, “they let the cat out”.
When you watch reruns of “The Waltons”, remember, you are watching Pure Polyunsaturated “CRAP”, you are watching a Hollywood “FAIRY TAIL”.
When you watch a movie about a young couple with two children, a little dog, Grammy and Grampy living with them in a back bedroom with Grammy baking cookies and Grampy sitting beside the fireplace in his little woolen coat sweater, remember, you are watching “Fantasy”, mushy, slobbering, phony movie Disneyland Junk.
In reality “in the real world” when one of the younger folks see Grammy baking cookies or walk past Gramp reading the paper in his little woolen sweater, they are saying to themselves, “Jesus, I wish we could take them out in the snow somewhere and dump them off”, or they might think, “why the hell don’t Mary or Joey take them, they have been here for two years now, why should I do it”. Ah yes, a walk in the woods at 2:00 AM in February would do it (20 below zero).
OLD PEOPLE, “NOW HEAR THIS”
Go to a nursing home, you will feel better, you will retain some of your dignity, you won’t feel guilty if you break something, when you hear people muttering among themselves you won’t have to think they are talking about you, use your retirement money, take nothing from your family, you then won’t feel “obligated” and they won’t be squabbling among themselves about who should be doing what. They have their own lives to live.
Life support, “haw haw haw”, that’s when the real fun starts, remember the “Schiavo’s”, “world war three”.
If this should happen to you and you can still spell “cat” then you are in big trouble. You will be laying in a bed somewhere with tubes sticking out of every orifice in your body, all you can do is roll your old eye balls around, you can also “drool and urinate in the bed”, you can see, hear and think, but they don’t give a shit about that, all they see is a “pain in the ass” that they have to visit before they go to the beach.
“PLEASE PULL MY TUBES”-“DR KAVORKIAN, HELP ME, I NEED YOU”.
Promises To The Aged:
NEVER LISTEN TO PROMISES MADE TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE YOUNGER, NEVER. When it comes time for the shit to hit the fan those promises are long forgotten. (That was then, this is now)
Stand on your own two feet, then they can’t whine about taking care of you. If you have money, spend it or give it to whom you wish while you are still alive. If it is gone before you die they won’t have anything to fight over after your dead. Get rid of your money and all other valuables while you are still sane. If you want your family to have your wealth, give it to them while you are still alive, just keep enough for yourself to live comfortably, you can then enjoy watching them blow it. You won’t need it anyway, what will you do with it, buy a case of diapers.
If you have “six dollars” in the bank, right? If you have “six children”, right? If you bequeath each child one dollar, that will be an inheritance that is equally divided, right?
Well, as sure as God made little green apples; those six people will find something to fight about after the “Will Is Read”.
If you have One Child, leave this one everything, then, sooner or later this one offspring will stand by your grave and say “You had more than that, I know you did, what the hell did you do with it”.
Human Beings are strange animals.
Independence:
Line up a “Nursing Home” while you are still able.
I would rather give my money to a Nursing Home than to sit cuddled up in a corner in the spare room with my old wife listening to people argue over who should go to the drug store and pick up our pills.
Your family can visit you every other Sunday, they will have peace of mind in knowing that when they get home “WE” won’t be there to leave the water running, plug up the toilet or Crap in our pants and stink the house up.
Old Geezers On Life Support Please Note:
As you lay in bed with your tubes and daydream of “life long ago” as you close your eyes and pray to the “heavenly father” to call you home “NOW”, and when you hear the “kids” out in the kitchen whining about who’s turn it is to wipe your ass, a little tear will come to your eye, because you love them and you know, yes you know, that some day, they may be in the same boat, they will be the one lying there praying for God to “lead them down the tunnel”.
“Hey old fella, it’s freezing out, wanna go for a ride in the snow on my sled”?
Dr Kavorkian will go down in the future history books as one of America’s greatest pioneers.
When the roll is called up yonder, I’ll be there.
Author: Red Burtt
