Do any of you know someone who “knows everything”, their philosophy being “If I Like It You Should Too” “If I Say It Is So, Than It Is So” “If I Own A Red Car, All My Relatives And Friends Should Own Red Cars”.
“Luther is one of those people”.
Sunday Dinner At Know It All Luther’s House:
“Hi Charlie, Hi Agnes, come in, so glad you could come, dinner is almost ready”
“Hi Martha, yeah, I’m starving, where’s Luther”
“He’s out on the deck boiling the corn over the grill, have a beer”
“OK”
“Hey, how ya doing Luther”
“Hi Charlie my man, old buddy”
“Hey Charlie, wait till you taste this corn, it’s fresh picked, only an hour ago”
“I’ll pass on the corn Luther, corn doesn’t agree with me. I’ve never cared for it”
“Naw, you’ll love this stuff Charlie, wait till you taste it. (this should have been the warning)
Sit Down Dinner Time At “Know it all Luther’s house”:
“Looks great”
“Hey Charlie, have an ear of corn”
“No thanks Luther, I told you, I don’t care for corn, it doesn’t agree with me”
“Aw go ahead Charlie, it’s the best corn you’ll ever eat”
“No thanks”, “Martha, could you pass the peas please”
“Charlie”, I said “this corn is great”
“Luther” “I don’t like corn, it makes me sick”
“CHARLIE”, Luther screams, “Eat some damn corn”
Charlie puts down his fork and says, “Luther, I told you, I don’t like corn”
Luther bounds out of his chair and bellows, “you son of a bitch, I said eat that damn corn or get out of my house”
Agnes, Charlie’s wife, jumps out of her chair and screams, “don’t you call my husband a son of a bitch you rotten smelly bastard” she then says, “I just had a piece of your corn and it sucks, it’s the worst corn I have ever tasted, in fact your whole rotten dinner stinks, your bread sticks taste like dried up dog shit”
“AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you slut whore bitch” screams Martha, Luther’s wife, “I’ll kill you” BAM, POW, KICK, BIFF, “OH JESUS”, “TAKE THAT YOU BASTARD”, Agnes Screams,“SHOVE YOUR CORN UP YOUR ASS BITCH”
WHHAAAAAAA, “Mommy, Mommy”, “your scaring my kids you whore” Luther’s wife bellows, “I’ll kill your rotten kids” screams Agnes, “I’ll make them eat your husbands shitty corn”.
GRRRR, ARF, ARF Luther’s dog had joined the fight, Charlie grabs a steak knife and plunges it into the dogs stomach and yells, “take that you dog bastard”
Charlie’s wife Agnes leaves the fight and throws Luther’s corn all over the floor, she then pulls up her skirt and urinates on Luther’s Corn, Charlie seeing this unzips his fly and is about to do the same when he trips on the dead dog and falls head first out of the living room window.
Across the street “Father O’Malley” is just headed for church when he sees Charlie come flying out of the second floor and smash onto the sidewalk, screams and cursing were coming from the open window, “Jesus Mary And Joseph” “Blessed Is The Fruit Of Thy Womb” the Father mutters.
Father O’Malley picks up his skirt and dashes over to the body lying on the sidewalk, “speak to me lad” the priest says, “gurgle, gurgle” the body says, Father O’Malley then looks up into the heavens, closes his eyes and yells as loudly as he can, “OH HEAVENLY FATHER JESUS H CHRIST ALMIGHTY, GIVE ME A SIGN” a dead dog comes out of the sky and lands right on the priests face.
Father O’Malley’s neighbors, a Black Family, Mr & Mrs Leroy Abraham Lincoln Jones have just finished breakfast when Leroy happens to look out the window on the scene below, he says to his wife Pearl, “hey Pearl, come on over here girl, look at these damn white mother f-ckers they rasin hell over there, ya know wat I’m sayin, that damn priest is going crazy, ya know wat I’m sayin, the damn fool’s jumping up and down and yelling at the sky, ya know wat I’m sayin, God just hit the white bastard in the face wit a dog, ya know wat Im sayin. Pearl didn’t answer, she was watching “Oprah Reruns”.
Charlie’s wife had completely lost it, she was running all over Luthers house with a cigarette lighter setting the curtains on fire, Luther was in the bedroom looking for his gun.
Down in the street Charlie was laying on the sidewalk, his arms and legs were twisted into weird positions, he looked like a “Squid”, Father O’Malley was also on the ground, his skirt was up around his waist and his black garters were clearly visible, they had little crosses embroided on them, he was screaming for God to help him, his face was stuck in the dead dogs stomach.
The Fire Dept arrived, the Police arrived, then in a short while things were cleaned up the Priest was taken to the “Veterinarians” the Fire Dept Medics couldn’t get the dogs body off his face.
Charlie’s wife, Luther and his wife were all led out in handcuffs, some old lady’s with “George Clooney Haircuts” from child welfare came and took the children, there was about three dozen ears of corn scattered all over the front yard and out in the street.
Leroy, the Black neighbor looked down on the corn and then said to his wife Pearl, “say girl” “we got any corn”, Pearl said, “no”
Leroy walked back to his chair and muttered, “white mother f-ckers”, they all crazy, ya know wat I’m sayin”
Author: Red Burtt
