Urinational Party Bag

I stopped drinking, I loved Beer, I drank Beer for many years, I haven’t had a drink now for over a year, time has caught up with me, I no longer get the Zip or the Zing that I had in my younger days, my time has come and gone. “The bluebirds have flown over the rainbow, I now await the Sunset”.

I would, at this time, like to pass on my knowledge of “weak bladders” “active kidneys” “locked bathroom doors” and just plain “laziness”.

To drink Beer properly, it should be done with “gusto”, Beer shouldn’t be sipped it should be consumed in large gulps then lips should be smacked, a large platter full of Genoa Salami and Pepperoni should sit in the middle of the table, many friends should be present, wives and girl friends should be sent out for “Chinese Food”. Plenty of Beer should be stored on the premises.

Within twenty minutes or so after gulping your beer you will notice the change coming on, slowly you start to feel better, you were worried about the weather, now you say to yourself, “ah, who cares if it rains”, you have another gulp, then you have another bottle, then another gulp, your wife whispers in your ear, “did you pay the rent”, you look at her and laugh, then you yell at her, “who gives a shit about the rent”, she looks worried, you say to yourself, “pay the rent, she’s nuts”. Your surrounded by other people gulping beer, “oh boy”.

This “Beer Gulping” gathering is taking place sometime in the Mid Fifties in the kitchen of a Three Decker in Cambridge Massachusetts. It is snowing out, Saturday afternoon, Hank Williams is singing, all the people that live in the three decker are invited to this joyous occasion so they won’t call the cops on us when we start singing with Hank.

No worry’s until Monday morning, we are five or six couples, we have been hanging around with each other since we were little kids, now we are all married and we have little kids, we love to sit around a kitchen table with our beer and cigarettes, we love to sing, tell lies and smoke.

I once had one of these younger “Sixties Type Rebels”, the kind that goes out of their way to trash my generation, say to me, “we don’t want to go back to the forties or fifties, we don’t want to do anything you people did”. My answer to him was, “well, you better quit smoking, because we used to eat them”.

At these beer guzzling gatherings ash trays were everywhere, every room was a cloud of smoke, someone would always yell, “open a damn window”, not because you couldn’t breath but because you couldn’t SEE.

Now, Back To The Urine Bags:
I wish with all my heart I had known about them back then I would have had boxes of them stored in my closet.
For those of you unfamiliar with Urinational Bags I will now explain, they seem to be for “Men Only” I will have to investigate this theory later, if Women also have them I have never heard of them, I also can’t figure out in my mind the basic operation for such a device. I think Women are confined to Diapers; I have some old friends down in Florida who still wear polyester shorts that might know.

Well anyway, for men they attach to the leg, the entrance opening is secured to the “male faucet” much in the same manner as a Condom, it also has a sticky substance on the opening that helps prevent it from sliding off, this can cause a problem when removing the bag, especially if the “wearer” has to much to drink as “hairs” can become attached to the device making it almost impossible to remove without using “barber shears”.
I have always pictured myself after consuming beer for about ten hours standing in the middle of someone’s living room and demonstrating to them the art of removing a Urinational Bag from one’s leg and faucet. As I said earlier, it is a very tricky procedure due to the fact that Glue and Hair are involved, close your eyes and think about it. If I had actually done this in a room full of people I would have become a Legend for many years to come in my Neighborhood.

If you have a “bladder problem” or if you are just plain “lazy” then I would strongly recommend you run right out to your local drug store and purchase several boxes of these “little rascals”.

Below is a list of some of things you might want to think of should you “strap one on”.

Be careful Dancing, (slosh, slosh, slosh)

Walk slowly across a quiet roomful of people (slosh, slosh, slosh)

Check the release valve often, make sure it is secure (ha, ha, ha) imagine it coming loose while your sitting on a couch with two sober women.

Don’t let your friends know you have it -my friends would have stuck a fork in it while I was dancing.

Be careful if you should try using one of these at your next social function, lots of little unthought of accidents are possible, if you should have a "mishap" the other guests will remember you for the rest of their life.

“Mommy”
“yes dear”
“there’s a guy in the dinning room peeing on the floor”

Author: Red Burtt