The Tooth Fairy
No matter what I do, no matter where I go, something always happens to me, I can’t “just do things” like other people do.
Last week I went to the dentist, I have been trying to get false teeth for almost eleven years now, most people can get them in a couple weeks, that’s another story it concerns bones on my bottom gums and I’m not getting into that right now, what I would like to talk about now is what happened to me on this trip, Jesus.
I hobbled into the dentist’s chair with my cane, I almost fell and came close to smashing my face into the Dentist’s stomach, the dentist was standing there watching me and smiling, I have a female dentist, she smiles a lot (she must be a democrat) she likes to show off her shiny white teeth, she also was probably thinking about how much she was going to charge me for all the things she was about to put me through.
I settled into the chair and hung my cane on the “spit sink” she took it off and hung it on a window sill, then the Dentists Assistant joined us, she was smiling (another democrat) now I had one of them on each side of me, I started to feel that old familiar chill run up my back the sign that once more something is going to happen, the little dark cloud that follows me through life was about to once more Rain on me, little things happen to me, little things to aggravate me, things like those women that always seem to get ahead of me in a checkout line then spend six hours digging through their ratty pocket books looking for a nickel, or the stupid looking morons who always seem to be hovering around me everywhere I go, or the big fat headed loud mouthed idiot that sits directly in front of me at the movies, yes, something was coming up I could feel it but what.
They both took turns shoving their fingers in my mouth and pushing my teeth and gums then they would stand behind me and whisper, Jesus H Christ, what they hell are they talking about, why do they whisper, what’s wrong with me, do I have “hoof and mouth disease”.
They finished whispering and the dentist came around in front of me with her Nancy Pelosi Grin and started telling me what I needed to have done, on my last visit I had three fillings and one extraction now she tells me I have to have three dentures, got that “three dentures” how many people do you know who are walking around with three dentures in their mouth, that’s because of those damn bones on my gums I mentioned earlier.
These two women must have known what they were going to do before they started whispering behind my back because the other Grinner had the bill all typed up before I fell into the chair, I wish I had put one of my children through Dental School our whole family would be millionaires, dentists make more money than Drug Dealers.
This is when it happened, I knew something was coming up, I sensed it, the cold chill, two people grinning and whispering behind my back meant only one thing, the “dark cloud” had another one of it’s little sadistic tricks it was going to try out on me today.
The Dentist grinned and told me they were going to take impressions today, upper and lower, I said nothing, the assistant started stirring up some cement, she looked like she was making bread, she was grinning.
Impressions aren’t a big deal right, no pain, just hold your mouth open for a couple of minutes until the stuff hardens a little then slip them out, rinse and then you the dentist and the assistant can all smile and tell jokes, ha, that might be the case with you but anything I’m involved in can turn something as simple as this into a living hell, a nightmare and it did.
The assistant grinned and said "this will be uncomfortable for a few seconds Mr. Burtt" to me that means some real bad shit was about to come down, I closed my eyes, I opened my mouth and she shoved in a wedge to keep my mouth open, tears were streaming down my face, I tried to swallow, I felt like I was drowning (I thought about Uncle Teddy Kennedy) they both disappeared behind me and started whispering again, Jesus H Christ, then out of nowhere the assistant jumped in front of me, she yanked out the wedge and shoved the mold with all the cement on it into my mouth then she smashed my mouth shut and told me to bite down on it, I did, panic was setting in, a piece of my lip was caught between my tooth and the stinking mold, I started to gurgle, I tried to look to my left than to my right, nobody was there the bastards left me in here all alone to choke to death, my wife was in the waiting room I wondered if she could hear me gurgling, she was probably laughing. I could picture her a year from now sitting in a senior citizens lounge talking to all the other widows who were telling each other how their husbands died and my wife would be saying “my husband choked to death in a dentists chair” then she would say “he never took care of his teeth, he had bones in his mouth”.
Well I was just about to lose consciousness when I could hear the dentist and the assistant sneaking back into the room, I tried to scream, nothing came out, they stayed behind me, they were whispering again, then she moved so quick she scared the shit out of me, the assistant jumped in front of me and looked at her watch, then she whispered something to the dentist, they both looked into my mouth, they had masks on, they then looked at each other, this was it, I knew when I got up that morning that something horrible was going to happen to me today, the assistant informed me that she was going to remove the mold, “thank God” she stuck two of her fingers in my mouth and pulled, nothing happened, she then put both hands in my mouth and pulled, nothing happened, she took her hands out, the dentist put her hands in and pulled, nothing happened, I was drooling and coughing, tears were streaming down my face.
I was now having a full blown Panic Attack, the dentist was muttering to herself, I pushed the assistant away, I then shoved both my hands into my mouth and got my fingers up and behind the mold then I yanked the mold out of my mouth and I fell halfway out of the chair, the dentist grabbed me I spit all over her knees, the assistant grabbed the mold, I took deep breaths and wiped my face, the dentist said "there we got it now" she then said "your teeth will be ready in about a week" she handed me my cane, I had to grab her to stand up, I almost tore her sweater off, thank God I was getting out of there.
My wife met me in the waiting room and said “what the hell was all that noise in there, I said “nothing” we stopped at the supermarket on the way home I told my wife I would wait for he in the car as soon as she was out of sight I started crying.
Part 2
I had mentioned earlier to the dentist that I had to attend a retirement party for my son and I have a front tooth missing, she grinned and said she could insert a temporary tooth that would look just fine, when she was through I asked her if it would fall out, she said “oh no not unless there is unusual biting or pressure on it”, I ate a chicken finger the next day and it fell out.
Nobody will believe this but it is true:
I received a call from the dentist yesterday; they want me to come back for another impression, somebody in the laboratory dropped my mold and stepped on it.
If you want to see bad things happen to one person in one day follow me around, I am now becoming petrified to even leave the house.
Author Red Burtt
Last week I went to the dentist, I have been trying to get false teeth for almost eleven years now, most people can get them in a couple weeks, that’s another story it concerns bones on my bottom gums and I’m not getting into that right now, what I would like to talk about now is what happened to me on this trip, Jesus.
I hobbled into the dentist’s chair with my cane, I almost fell and came close to smashing my face into the Dentist’s stomach, the dentist was standing there watching me and smiling, I have a female dentist, she smiles a lot (she must be a democrat) she likes to show off her shiny white teeth, she also was probably thinking about how much she was going to charge me for all the things she was about to put me through.
I settled into the chair and hung my cane on the “spit sink” she took it off and hung it on a window sill, then the Dentists Assistant joined us, she was smiling (another democrat) now I had one of them on each side of me, I started to feel that old familiar chill run up my back the sign that once more something is going to happen, the little dark cloud that follows me through life was about to once more Rain on me, little things happen to me, little things to aggravate me, things like those women that always seem to get ahead of me in a checkout line then spend six hours digging through their ratty pocket books looking for a nickel, or the stupid looking morons who always seem to be hovering around me everywhere I go, or the big fat headed loud mouthed idiot that sits directly in front of me at the movies, yes, something was coming up I could feel it but what.
They both took turns shoving their fingers in my mouth and pushing my teeth and gums then they would stand behind me and whisper, Jesus H Christ, what they hell are they talking about, why do they whisper, what’s wrong with me, do I have “hoof and mouth disease”.
They finished whispering and the dentist came around in front of me with her Nancy Pelosi Grin and started telling me what I needed to have done, on my last visit I had three fillings and one extraction now she tells me I have to have three dentures, got that “three dentures” how many people do you know who are walking around with three dentures in their mouth, that’s because of those damn bones on my gums I mentioned earlier.
These two women must have known what they were going to do before they started whispering behind my back because the other Grinner had the bill all typed up before I fell into the chair, I wish I had put one of my children through Dental School our whole family would be millionaires, dentists make more money than Drug Dealers.
This is when it happened, I knew something was coming up, I sensed it, the cold chill, two people grinning and whispering behind my back meant only one thing, the “dark cloud” had another one of it’s little sadistic tricks it was going to try out on me today.
The Dentist grinned and told me they were going to take impressions today, upper and lower, I said nothing, the assistant started stirring up some cement, she looked like she was making bread, she was grinning.
Impressions aren’t a big deal right, no pain, just hold your mouth open for a couple of minutes until the stuff hardens a little then slip them out, rinse and then you the dentist and the assistant can all smile and tell jokes, ha, that might be the case with you but anything I’m involved in can turn something as simple as this into a living hell, a nightmare and it did.
The assistant grinned and said "this will be uncomfortable for a few seconds Mr. Burtt" to me that means some real bad shit was about to come down, I closed my eyes, I opened my mouth and she shoved in a wedge to keep my mouth open, tears were streaming down my face, I tried to swallow, I felt like I was drowning (I thought about Uncle Teddy Kennedy) they both disappeared behind me and started whispering again, Jesus H Christ, then out of nowhere the assistant jumped in front of me, she yanked out the wedge and shoved the mold with all the cement on it into my mouth then she smashed my mouth shut and told me to bite down on it, I did, panic was setting in, a piece of my lip was caught between my tooth and the stinking mold, I started to gurgle, I tried to look to my left than to my right, nobody was there the bastards left me in here all alone to choke to death, my wife was in the waiting room I wondered if she could hear me gurgling, she was probably laughing. I could picture her a year from now sitting in a senior citizens lounge talking to all the other widows who were telling each other how their husbands died and my wife would be saying “my husband choked to death in a dentists chair” then she would say “he never took care of his teeth, he had bones in his mouth”.
Well I was just about to lose consciousness when I could hear the dentist and the assistant sneaking back into the room, I tried to scream, nothing came out, they stayed behind me, they were whispering again, then she moved so quick she scared the shit out of me, the assistant jumped in front of me and looked at her watch, then she whispered something to the dentist, they both looked into my mouth, they had masks on, they then looked at each other, this was it, I knew when I got up that morning that something horrible was going to happen to me today, the assistant informed me that she was going to remove the mold, “thank God” she stuck two of her fingers in my mouth and pulled, nothing happened, she then put both hands in my mouth and pulled, nothing happened, she took her hands out, the dentist put her hands in and pulled, nothing happened, I was drooling and coughing, tears were streaming down my face.
I was now having a full blown Panic Attack, the dentist was muttering to herself, I pushed the assistant away, I then shoved both my hands into my mouth and got my fingers up and behind the mold then I yanked the mold out of my mouth and I fell halfway out of the chair, the dentist grabbed me I spit all over her knees, the assistant grabbed the mold, I took deep breaths and wiped my face, the dentist said "there we got it now" she then said "your teeth will be ready in about a week" she handed me my cane, I had to grab her to stand up, I almost tore her sweater off, thank God I was getting out of there.
My wife met me in the waiting room and said “what the hell was all that noise in there, I said “nothing” we stopped at the supermarket on the way home I told my wife I would wait for he in the car as soon as she was out of sight I started crying.
Part 2
I had mentioned earlier to the dentist that I had to attend a retirement party for my son and I have a front tooth missing, she grinned and said she could insert a temporary tooth that would look just fine, when she was through I asked her if it would fall out, she said “oh no not unless there is unusual biting or pressure on it”, I ate a chicken finger the next day and it fell out.
Nobody will believe this but it is true:
I received a call from the dentist yesterday; they want me to come back for another impression, somebody in the laboratory dropped my mold and stepped on it.
If you want to see bad things happen to one person in one day follow me around, I am now becoming petrified to even leave the house.
Author Red Burtt
posted by Red Burtt | 3:55 PM
1 Comments:
It's been a while since I've had a chance to check out your site. You never cease to amaze me. I think I just wet myself reading this. Thanks for the laughs...you're too funny
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